*at the pharmacy*
I WOULD LIKE THE PILLS THAT ALLOW ME TO CONTROL BIRTH
*pharmacist blinks*
GIVE THEM TO ME, SORCERER
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Decaffeinated coffee is just muddy water.
GYM
Man: “Can you spot me?”
Me: “Sure”
Man: *Throwing down towel* “Invisibility cloak my ass”
“Why do you wanna work at Clickbait Enterprises?”
Here’s 10 reasons why I should get the job
“ok”
Number 7 will shock you
“You’re hired”
“Better stop now before I do something to embarrass myself”
~me, never
I feel like every girl needs a “fella drawer” if you plan on having frequent guests.
🙀🙀🙀😹
[future]
Kid: Grammar and spelling are stupid, dad! Why do I have to learn them anyway?
Me: Internet arguments, mostly
In the original fairy tale Goldilocks also reads all their diaries.
When buying presents I like to think, what would Jesus have got you?
So yeh, enjoy your fish sandwich.
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
I prefer science to religion, as the former doesn’t seem to grow vengeful and jealous when refused attention.
You (drinking coffee): Drugs are bad
Me (smugly injecting heroin): Actually, coffee is a drug
PARENTS: your teen may be worshipping Satan. Look for these terms:
LOL – Lucifer Our Lord
BRB – Burn Religious Books
TBH – Tell Beelzebub Hi
Grown men who drink hot chocolate in coffee shops.
Who hurt you?
I don’t want clothes that spark joy. I want clothes in which I can pause in a doorway, look over a shoulder, and utter something devastating before exiting.
My son works part time at McDonald’s and did a shift today. I asked him, as it’s Easter, if they were serving Hoppy Meals and he told me that he hopes he’s adopted.
If tennis rules were chasing the ball and bringing it to your opponent without letting him have it, my dog would be the best in the world.
at soccer practice a mom next to me asked her kids if they wanted to do cartwheels with her and i’m like shut up no one likes you
Respond to every “How was your weekend?” today by staring off into the distance & whispering “So much blood…”
Every kid turns into a mall walker when the lifeguard yells NO RUNNING
Nice try, evening news, but there’s nothing as scary as the three times I woke up accidentally pregnant
I missed going to the gym today.
So that’s 20 years in a row now.
I told all my neighbors that I have a twin . . . so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
I get most of my exercise these days from shaking my head in disbelief.
My office manager emailed all 400 employees to inform us that our new paper towel dispensers AREN’T automatic.
The human race is doomed.
Genie: So let me get this straight, your first wish was for your cat to talk?
Me: yes.
Genie: and then your second wish was he couldn’t talk anymore?
Me: He was mean to me.
Genie: And now your third wish is he can talk again?
Me: I just thought of a great come back!
Head and Shoulders should make a body wash called ‘Knees and Toes’
imagine being a bald vampire and every time you walk by a mirror your toupee looks like it’s floating in mid air.
Bringing back the word zoinks but only for when someone shows me their baby.