*at the pond*
“hon—there’s something i need to ask you”*emotional* yes?
*blows duck call*
*ducks on water arrange to spell out ‘TACOS?’*
You Might Also Like
Men don’t ignore us; they have selective hearing. Give them instructions for roasted turkey & they’ll remember “breast, thighs, moist & hot”
Her: My dad’s sister does my taxes
Me: So she’s your accountAunt? Lol, hey, where are you going?
Sorry I put aviator sunglasses on the baby Jesus in your nativity scene and started singing highway to the manger zone.
*sitting in HR wearing devil horns*
HR: We need to talk about your attire.
Me: I was always told to dress for the job you want.
Fellas, you can pretty much get away with anything while our nails are wet.
Who called it a foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
Good thing he found a cart, because that looks really heavy.
Whenever a guy peeps into my phone, I open the front cam and take a selfie with him.
Luckily my rib cage protects my heart better than my head does.
[from the sperm donation room]
Me: *screaming with the door cracked open* I NEED MORE CUPS
I cried at a wedding once. The reception was a cash bar.
Me: I have Schrödinger like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
Me: Yes and No.
If your bio says 18+ brat I just assume you are an adult sausage
The only thing I care about is credits where it says the dog is playing themself
[At the first thanksgiving]
Pilgrims: Im thankful for the land you gave us
Natives: we didnt give you land?
Pilgrims: *winks at the camera*
as a non-catholic, i gotta say, christmas mass is a WILD ROLLER COASTER RIDE, sometimes the priest sing-talks in a muppet voice, sometimes everyone kneels except you, they do the secret club criss cross applesauce thing, a SURPRISE BELL rings sometimes, twists and turns abound
Sorry to the guy in the car having to witness me checking for boogers in his tinted windows.
ODE TO TWITTER
🎶Twinkle, twinkle little star,
How I wonder where you are,
Twitter changed you to a heart,
I don’t think they’re very smart🎶
Every change you make in life starts with crafting clothes for nuns. It’s all about creating habits.
When you get to Customs and they ask if you have anything to declare, “Thumb War” is not the answer they were looking for.
Me: *lighting candles* don’t mind me, just setting the mood
Her: *backs out of elevator before doors close*
Best mom ever 😂
Me: thanks for the invite but I’m really not much of a partier haha
Friend: it’s a search party for my missing wife
All I’m saying is there’s no coincidence that Superheroes come in all forms and so does cheese.
Every kiss begins with ‘K’ I whisper quietly to myself as I read his one letter response to my last 7 text messages.
Okay, kids, listen closely cause I’m only gonna say this 257,000 more times.
–Moms
I once attended a wedding on short notice. My wife signed the card for us, and because they were my friends she accidentally addressed it to the bride and their cat, because I had talked about their cat more than my friend
Before you decide to have kids, ask yourself: is this apartment goat-friendly?
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 50,000 signatures.
Please. Do not push me into the pool. The pockets of my cargo shorts are filled with packets of Kraft Mac & Cheese powder.