[at the race]
“RUNNERS ON YOUR MARK”
Mark: ouch!
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Does anyone know a good locksmith? I spent the entire day cleaning the entire house and need to keep my family out.
Quit coffee and now I’m like one of those fish at the bottom of the ocean that use antennae to find their way through the dark.
Me: Here is some apple juice.
Kids: Deelish!
M: Apple butter on your toast?
K: Please!
M: How is the apple sauce?
K: Terrific!
M: Got you apple slices with your Happy Meal.
K: Great!
M: Have an apple.
K: Oh you mean POISON?!?!
I hope my kids are impressed with how resourceful the Easter Bunny is for filling eggs with steeply discounted Valentine’s Day candy.
Calling bullshit on movies. Not once have I walked into a public restroom and found a gun taped to the back of the toilet.
This guy at the bar just said nobody gets off earth alive. And he and his buddies sat there for a second before the chick in the middle says “what about astronauts” and I love her
ME: If I donate my body, will it be used for weird and gross sex experiments?
SCIENTIST: Of course not!
ME: Oh. Nevermind, then.
math teacher: you currently have a 55% in this class and you need at least 60% to pass
me: is there anything i can do to raise my grade?
math teacher: if you do this one assignment, i’ll give you 10% extra credit
me:
math teacher:
me: i don’t- is that going to be enough
Commenting on a girl’s “goose-like stamina” is a nice compliment during sex and plants the seed for an interesting fact about geese later on
[reads chocoholic on tinder bio] Mmm I love chocolate, too
[reads workaholic] I work a lot as well
[reads catholic] I also am a cat addict
My husband left me this morning. Again.
he’ll be back after work, but still. I’m getting really sick of these games.
My boss: So… [dramatic pause]
Me, uncomfortable with silence: …a needle pulling thread?
I just explained the concept of a nail gun to my 4 year old and honestly he’s never been this interested in anything I’ve had to say.
girlfriend: let’s go for a romantic weekend at my parents cabin that was built on a Native American burial ground right next to that abandoned mine shaft where all those people died
me: yeah ok
Whenever I think of you, I am grateful for the many, many miles between us.
*discretely picks a booger*
*slyly wipes it on her blouse*
Funeral Director: Sir, we can see you and narrating it just makes it worse.
If I put on a latex glove and snap it, that’s just me flirting
I killed a girl who posted too many selfies.I think i can claim selfie-defence.
No matter how much I shake my phone, you still won’t come out. Are you stuck? I think you’re stuck.
“What a brave fashion choice!” is the ninja of insults.
Friend: How are you doing?
Me *reading a book about the identification & use of medicinal plants, so that I have a viable apocalypse skill to barter on the offchance of a complete societal breakdown* Fine.
“My brother’s coming over for dinner.”
Ugh, is he still talking only in country names?*brother walks in* “Chad Hungary. Jamaica Turkey?”
BLIND DATE TIP FOR WOMEN: Throw a fork into the wall behind ur date so he has to turn around, to make sure he doesn’t have a hidden ponytail
No you can’t throw a ham at the rotor blade so it slices the ham up, that’s literally the first thing we taught you in helicopter school
ZUCKERBERG: im ready to answer any questions u might have about facebook
84-YEAR-OLD SENATOR: excellent. mr zuckerberg my farmville farm needs more pigs but i cannot figure out where to purchase them
Dating is like a 2-day-old box of chocolates.
The good ones are already taken.
Interviewer: “Your résumé says you have a bad memory.”
Me: “I said that?”
[first day in a hair band]
Singer: you’re bald
Me: yes, I lied on my resume
[Enter restaurant]
WIFE: See if you can get us a table
ME: Ok[1 minute later]
ME: [sprinting towards wife, carrying table] START THE CAR