[At the register]
“Find everything ok?”
“No I figured I’d get in line, pay for just a few things, then start the process all over again.”
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“Man, for some reason I’m not hungry at all today”
“It was a full moon last night – we ate a bunch of villagers”
“Ah shit, I forgot. More like unaware wolf, amirite?”
If you like talking to yourself, then feel free to dm me.
Him: You smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: Just a bit of Ham & Cheese Hot Pocket.
Welcome to your 40s: nice olive oil collection.
ME: [watching tv]
FRIEND: You should turn it on tho
The more dinner parties you host for your family of porcelain dolls, the more real their laughter and conversations become…but they still won’t pick you up at the airport.
I question the people that blow their nose in a tissue and then look to see what comes out.
Were they really expecting gold or something?
Bartenders are just boneless bars
The Compass
I respect the tenacity of the Jurassic theme park investors who won’t stop trying to crack the profit formula for making money on murder monsters who keep eating the customers.
My five-year plan? Well, I’d like to learn how to shuffle together a sandwich like you see in cartoons.
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
[teaching son to swim]
Me: get this wrong & you die
Cats are still liquid.
I have a very particular set of skills
*puts down phone*
*sounds of a struggle*
*yells* Ok you can’t see this but I’m totally doing the worm
I’m not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.
I don’t know if hand sanitizer actually works but it sure as hell lets you know where the broken skin is hiding
My husband swears he doesn’t read my stupid magazines, so I guess we have a ghost that leaves my Entertainment Weekly in the bathroom.
WIFE: This is dumb.
DAUGHTER: This is so stupid.
ME: This is getting out of hand!
THIS: [leaping out of my palm] I HATE YOU GUYS I’M LEAVING
October’s cool because you can buy 60 Snickers, 48 beers, a hockey mask, chainsaw, 30 leaf bags and the cashier won’t even acknowledge it.
Posting “wow pretty problematic” under every single person’s Spotify wrapped and then responding “it’s not my job to educate you” when they ask what I mean by that.
If you call all the priests “daddy” you don’t have to go back to church.
the first rule of OCD club is that there must be a second rule so we have an even number of rules
*comes back with wife’s purse*
w: I said don’t run or people will think you stole it! How many times did you get tackled?
m:[bleeding] Twice
[restaurant]
*patpatpat*
ME: you hear that?
*patpatPATPAT*
DATE: what the
[penguin bolts out of kitchen with a fish]
CHEF: SOMEBODY STOP HIM
Twitter, 2016 (HT @iShami_ )
Him: Babe, I put the leftovers in a container.
Her: Is that what you’re calling your stomach now?
if you’re reading my tweets and judging me by my typos I just want you to know, yes, english is my first language
me: could you fill out an employee satisfaction survey about how well I performed today?
woman holding urn full of ashes:
Not today.. 😂