[At the Rumble]
her *aggressively taking off earrings and heels*
me *desperately trying to find somewhere to set down my ice cream cone*
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i don’t understand all these newfangled apps. like “phone”
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
The only time you should be faking it is when your pet checks to see if you’re awake
Me: will you wake your sister
4: no that’s way too scary
Debbie on Facebook tagged me in some game and said “don’t disappoint me” so I blocked her.
I like to find exercise equipment on the street to lug home, and then I decide I won’t use it so I lug it to the thrift store. It’s a pretty good workout
I’m too lazy to try the Marie Kondo method. I’m pinning my hopes on a robbery.
[in prison]
me: so u guys come here often?
The problem with having a large imagination is that you can imagine your friends naked. Now you’re doing it too.
vaccinated, but claiming unvaccinated for antisocial purposes
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u wanted?
W: OMG
M: I’m in a bar not far from there
Trevor eventually flunked out of dentistry school
shout out to fantasy authors who give all their characters weird names except for, like, two who just have normal-ass names
it owns extremely to see The Eternal Zablaxas and Hellcleaver the Wicked turn to the protagonist and say “what do YOU think we should do, Dave?”
sleep paralysis demon: ew. why are you so sweaty?
wait I thought laser eye surgery meant I get laser eyes
My ancestors watching me pay $10 for a pint of ice cream
Don’t you hate it when you’re on your way to join the circus and you accidentally get married and have 3 kids?
THERAPIST: What do you wish for?
WIFE: That we become closer again & [smiles at me] focus on the important things
ME: For the dog to talk
Follow these tips for a happy Thanksgiving. Printable version available on FB:
Beyonce: ‘Who run the world?’ Generally people who have at least a basic understanding of grammar.
Not to brag but growing up my boys thought a unanimous decision meant whatever mom wants.
Hello darkness, my old friend. It’s time to eat all the carbs again
me after drinking all the wine:
Mirror: If you break me, it’s 7yrs bad luck.
Condom: LOL
Me: YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME!!!!
Chocolate Cake: …..
Me: Ugh.. Fine, you win.
[dinner]
prince eric:ariel:
prince eric: I’m sorry I’m still uncomfortable eating seafood now that I know they can sing
ariel: no no, not this crab
prince eric: *taking bite* ok, good
ariel: he was just a backup dancer
Parenting tip: If your kids are fighting in the back seat of the car, stick your arm over and swing it around a bunch. That’ll show em’.
[flirting]
ME: Do you come here often?
HER: Sir, I’m the librarian.
ME: Uh huh.
HER: And this is a library.
ME: Oh, gotcha.
HER: Okay then.
ME: *whispers* Soooo, do you come here often?