at the salon thinking of going darker for winter
maybe i’ll kill the shampoo girl
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Me: in a parallel world I am a huge success
Medic: please stop moving your arm so we can get it out of the vending machine
me *looking at burnt up nintendo cartridge*: what the hell happened?
roommate (a dragon): it was dirty…
Does anyone else still miss that part of the pandemic where it was illegal for anyone to come near you?
Asking for a friend. x
I laughed and my gum shot out of my mouth, but I caught it with my hand and my lightning reflexes, so….be a cooler idiot
I fake the art of fainting so well my favorite restaurant now refers to me as “Low Blood Sugar Girl” while rushing my limp body to a table.
People who say “You can’t argue with that” really don’t know me very well.
Me, embracing the mess I’ve made of my life
Whenever someone says, “Good question” I never hear their answer because I’m too busy congratulating myself for asking such a good question.
[first day as a director]
me, right after a scene ends perfectly: aaaaaand cup
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? Because your man’s out here denying you exist.
girl in novel: hi my older brother who is 17 years old and popular, do you want breakfast ?
her brother: yes, remember when mom died when you were 4 and our dad is an alcoholic ?
If you are looking for a relationship without all the baggage I suggest a layover.
All I’m saying is a cucumber will never ghost you.
I love how this restaurant keeps a fish tank by the front entrance so I can just reach my hand in and eat a fish on the way out for free.
[in hell journal day 211]
I’ve asked if it was hot in here 932 times in 211 days. the dark lord is angry but he has nowhere else to send me
Cop: Will I find any drugs in your car?
Me: I don’t know but if you do, I’m not sharing.
Wife: why are there 8 knives on the ground?
Me: *points to the dead spider* it was self defence and that’s exactly what you’ll tell the cops when they get here
A corn maze, because the only thing worse than trying to get kids to eat vegetables is trying to get them to walk endlessly through vegetables.
LOIS LANE: let’s watch the super bowl
CLARK KENT: ok *takes glasses off regular bowl*
Kylie Jenner is having a Handmaids Tale themed birthday party and Justin Bieber wants to fight Tom Cruise and boy howdy is that meteor late
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
Her: Sir, you account has been hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Her: No. Your Bank acc.
Me: Ooooh Thank God.
My toddler is practicing counting by dropping chocolate chips in my mouth and this is the kind of math I can get on board with
the only moral choice in d&d is to play a druid and wildshape into a giant goat every day, travelling the towns with your rich goat milk like a medieval ice cream truck
Apparently Mr. Neeson’s “particular set of skills” is terrible at keeping his family from getting kidnapped.
HER: I work for the Red Cross.
ME: *leaning in* That’s a huge plus.
*1st day in hell*
Devil: So you just sit in this room and people give you gifts
Me: Oh nice
Devil: And you have to react to each one
Me: NO
Witch: [cursing me] you will get hit in the head with a basketball everyday
Me: whatever
[next day, watching game]
Announcer on TV: and it looks like he missed the shot so bad the ball left the stadium
Me: what
[theres a knock on the door]
I remember when I was younger and I picked this girl up from her house, her dad answered the door and was like “have her back by 2200 hours” and I didn’t know military time but I was ok at maths and was like “sure, see you in 3 months”
I’m against the marriage of anyone whose first instinct is to film and then show the world their elaborate proposal.