[at the spelling bee]
moderator: your word is parole
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: depends what you’re in for
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Trying
When a duck takes a selfie, it makes a lonely white girl face.
The me who snips coupons needs to communicate better with the me who walks into the stores.
Sorry I overreacted when we both reached for the last piece of pecan pie. I had no idea a fork could penetrate so far into a human forearm.
I am like a vampire in that I require a specific and obvious invitation to feel like I’m allowed in your home and also because you will definitely regret said invite
I drink coffee because I don’t think I would do well going to prison for murder.
I was bit by a radio active spider so now I wear a rubber suit, swing around like a monkey and use karate, you know, like a spider.
“get your shit together” is my favorite weird expression of something no one would ever do, but everyone totally agrees is great advice.
“Stupid kid fell in the well again.”
-if Lassie had been a cat
Keep your friends zoned and your enemies zoneder
Punched myself in the eye trying to pull on my skinny jeans again
nothing more Los Angeles than an earthquake getting jealous of the publicity the hurricane is getting
ME: *giggles* I wouldn’t say I have a ‘type’…
DOCTOR: Sir, you’re losing a lot of blood and we need to make this transfusion
I clean my house before going away like burglars give yelp reviews.
Directions on tooth whitener say avoid coffee, red wine and cola. If I could do that, why would I need whitener?
Husband: So we’ve basically given up.
Me: On what?
H: *gestures to 4yo carefully piling spaghetti on his head*: Parenting.
Went on a date once.
He ordered for me, “She’ll have a small side salad.”
I said, “Yes, and a side of sirloin and a loaded baked potato.”
Good marriage requires communication: My wife tells me I’m wrong, and I tell her she’s right.
Dance like you aren’t depressed. Sing like you didn’t kill that homeless guy. Love like you don’t have herpes.
Listening to my husband’s gorilla snoring and contemplating if I could record it and sell to the FBI as an alternative to waterboarding.
Girls need strong female role models may I suggest Godzilla she is a strong, confident woman that fights for justice and also breathes fire
Dear life:
If you’re gonna stick me with pimples at my age please give back my old body, my old mind, and most importantly my old Mustang.
You think they keep the lights low for ambiance, but really it’s cuz that restaurant hasn’t dusted since 1986.
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
Look sad dragging a kite on the ground at the park and sometimes people will let you join their picnic.
Girls have Galentine’s day but I just gave my buddy a 12 pack of beer and called it a dozen broses.
Public transportation is great but they should invent a type where it’s only me in the vehicle
Can someone who is good with computers help me out? I keep running out of storage space for some reason
[i rear-end a guy and he steps out with a baseball bat]
ME: i’m sor-
HIM: *tosses me a glove* wanna play ball until the tow truck arrives?
I want hashbrown pills.
~the guy who invented Tater tots