*[at the sperm bank]*
I’ll have a cup of Joe, please.
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They say real men hunt their food, which is why I throw a spear through the box of pasta before letting it bleed out in my shopping cart.
*At the bar
Me)May I sit here?
Her)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s ok, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
Sorry, guy outside grocery store with a heavy bag and one arm in a sling, but I can’t help you. Ted Bundy ruined that for everyone.
Friend: I’m getting married
Me: OMG, I’m so sorry. How long do you have?
BETRAYAL
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
I wish I could say the massive bruise on my leg is from Kickboxing class, but no. It’s from a door hitting me on a windy day as I walked into a burger joint.
5: Dad, can you get me pasta?
Me: Ah, we don’t have any.
5: That’s ok, you can make some, I don’t mind waiting.
If you vote for yourself, does something blue appear like when you pee in a pool?
[During a baby shower]
Me: Ooh I caught one
Wife: Put it down we can’t afford another
Paid rent so I’ll be at home enjoying my purchase for the rest of the week.
a rare painting of a dragon eating spaghetti
Welcome to Alzheimer’s Club
I see a lot of new faces today
Just me and my debit card against the world
Stop saying “you can’t make this stuff up“. You can make anything up. Watch this: a breakdancing beaver wearing a top hat. A peanut butter and thumbtack sandwich. A baby doing calculus. It’s easy.
temp agency: we only have positions for nights available right now
a dragon: i see
I’m about to risk it all
ME: how did you get disbarred
ATTORNEY: i gave kittens to all the jurors
ME: *gasps* you mean
ATTORNEY: that’s right, i *adjusts sunglasses* committed purr jury
FB post from HS friend on pic: My boyfriend is such a dreamboat!
My comment: So was the Titanic.
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything weird
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
My home security system growing up was my parents telling me not to open the door for anyone.
(Cargo pants filled with tater tots) “How many do I need to get an Xbox?”
“Sir, that’s not how Toys for Tots works.”
“FALSE ADVERTISING!”
Been in line for hours and I’m beginning to think this Radio Shack isn’t going to open.
HIM: So I was talking to our neighbor…
ME: Which one?
HIM: Susan.
ME: …?
HIM: Susan. Tall, dark hair.
ME: …?
HIM: Lives two houses down. SUSAN.
ME: …?
HIM: Has the pug and the golden retriev—
ME: OH, Lizard and Elliot’s mom!
If it weren’t for bad decisions, I’d be pretty indecisive.
My wife and I don’t often spend money on luxuries, but when we do, I’m glad it’s for something we can both enjoy like decorative pillows.
Fun idea: Have a magician saw you in half at your funeral. Or not even a magician, just anybody with a big saw.
The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.
M:$50 on the ginger with face tattoos
H: Ma’am those aren’t tattoos, they’re freckles and you can’t bet on a 6th grade spelling bee