At the start of last decade, I was at a high school party, watching my crush kiss my cousin. Now, 10 years later, I’m finally the one kissing my cousin.
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Dad was probably bluffing when he said he’d turn the car around after driving 198 miles of a 200 mile trip but WE COULDN’T TAKE THAT CHANCE.
The average Hollywood producer green-lights 8 Spiderman reboots in his sleep
Mailman: whatcha doing
Me: I’m going fishing for my neighbor Larry
Mailman: you mean WITH your neighbor
Me [casting a sausage link into Larry’s mail slot]: he likes chorizo the most
“Fake news,” I whisper to myself, as the scale shows I gained another pound.
My husband giving me instructions as he prepares to leave town: “Don’t put the dogs in their crates today. Let them sleep on the couch.”
Me: “Why?”
Him: “That’s how they know it’s the weekend.”
Ha – mildly amusing
Haha – funny
Hahaha – sarcastic laugh
Hahahaha – stayin’ alive
Since Julius Caesar’s assassination was a group project there were definitely some guys who did just enough stabbing to get a passing grade.
Hey, let’s eat outside tonight so the flies can eat our food while the mosquitos eat us, & the kids eat nothing because they hate burgers today.
Fact: bears do defecate in the woods, but sometimes light candles to help with the smell and that’s what causes forest fires.
If poetry is dead, then explain this:
I don’t understand why people climb mountains. I literally pay someone else to carry my groceries
If these walls could talk they would definitely say wow this guy really does add cheese to everything after all
I’m so lazy, if I got kidnapped I’d just think, “Well, this is where I live now.”
I don’t want to stand, Apple Watch. You stand.
[napping on couch]
Son: wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok i’ll be the cops.
Son: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Son: why not?
Me: i’m waiting on a judge to sign your warrant.
Son: oh.
Me: [eyes still closed] I’ll let you know when it comes in.
Did you know that you can tell the gender of an ant by throwing it in water?
If it sinks = girl ant.
If it floats = buoyant.
I returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
Dear Britain,
This Brexit vote is all wrong
If you want to leave the EU, dump some tea in the harbor and fight a war.
Sincerely,
America
A drum solo but on your face.
CSI: North Pole
Detective: Based on the evidence I’d say it’s the reindeer killer.
Chief: Did you find hoof prints?
Detective: *takes off glasses* No. Slay bells.
If there’s a denim jacket on my doorknob it means I’m having sex with a werewolf.
I eat the baked Cheetos at work so my boss never forgets that I’ll put up with literally anything
I’m not judging you, I’m just trying to guess what medications you’re on.
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
I just read more people are killed by toasters than sharks. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster SWIM FOR YOUR LIFE!
Play The Bee Gees loudly several times a day from your home so that if you have to kill someone the sounds won’t be unusual.
You: how are you?
Me: I want to rip off my skin, scream for six hours, then swan dive off a bridge.
You: what?
Me: Good. I’m good.
Listening in on 14yos on the train after school and one of them just said: “bro you didn’t even try fresh basil until you were like 12, you have no credibility in this conversation” and the rest of them started roaring laughing
Me: You just had a bath, please stay clean
My 4-year-old:
I love the people in parking lots with “free kittens” signs because I too feel that kittens shouldn’t be oppressed.