At the state fair I realized none of my troubles matter when you dip them in batter
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no, babe. i haven’t seen your glasses.
My BFF is on her second child but I’m on my 3rd tapeworm so I win
[watching 13 Reasons Why]
WIFE: I can’t believe she had 13 reasons for wanting to die
ME: I know, crazy! Only 13
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
Birds shit on us because we tweet better.
Um, hi. How much is the rent for this amazing apartment?
Ma’am, this is the wine aisle of the grocery store.
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in mathematics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: minus one
I didn’t want to grow up; I just wanted to be able to reach for the cookies.
Kids are supposed to dress like their future career at my daughter’s school today and my husband told her to wear a nice shirt with pajama pants and say she was a remote worker on a video call.
I was fired from the zoo for exploding the budget, but I still think the giraffes look pretty great in those turtleneck sweaters.
Me: You need to stop coming into our bed at night
7: I want to be next to you
Me: Aww that’s so swee…
7: You’re like an extra large hot water bag
Me:
I thought I heard a noise last night so I got my bat and crept into the kitchen just to find out it was my own stomach grumbling.
Sliding into her DMs like: ‘Hi’ or ‘Hey’.
-Unoriginal
-No
-Has that literally ever worked?Sliding into her DMs like: ‘It’s all gravy, baby.’
-Suave
-Well that’s new
-Implies you might have gravy. Ladies love gravy.
I was in long distance relationship for eight years with my Mr. before we got married. So, believe me when I tell you, I’ve never missed anyone as much as I miss my cleaning lady.
I’m automatically suspicious of anyone who seems to really like me. From now on I want to see nothing but tepid enthusiasm from you, Sunshine.
“you can achieve anything if you put your mind to it”
*spends 3 hours trying to put cheese strings on a guitar*
My package got from New York to Chicago in the same business day. Over the next four days it has traveled less than 20 miles, although it moves every day. I think it is walking here.
Anyone else’s spine sound like an accordion when they go to bend over?
No?
[doorbell]
delivery guy: parcel for Moose Allain
me: oh, thanks
delivery guy: can I just take a photo?
me: haha yes, of course, where would you like me to
delivery guy: of the parcel
All the Christmas gifts I wrap look like they were done by a drunk elf with a tape fetish.
bet the third joker movie will just be called “jok3r”
i went to my first post-vaccinated family party yesterday and instantly i was nostalgic for 2020
I don’t care what Bruce Lee said, entering a dragon is just poor advice.
“Please stop chasing your sisters with tarter sauce,” is something the parenting books didn’t warn me about.
Does it sound ridiculous? Yes. Did I get a sports injury from eating too many tacos? Also yes.
*passenger next to me starts putting on headphones*
Are you mad at me?
all i want is to be as happy as this potato
My oldest made us all breakfast this morning, then got mad when his little brother didn’t finish the meal he had worked so hard to create.
I think I’m on to something here…
Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t like things as much as I do.
“There’s approximately a 50% chance there will be weather today.”
-meteorologists
nature’s most graceful animal