At the store- I better pick up a can of black beans. I’m not sure if there’s any at home.
Putting groceries away- Shit, I already had 8 cans of black beans.
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People often name their kids after their favourite movie characters. I don’t know why my daughter Chewbacca is so upset with me.
Sasquatch: *to tv camera* Tonight we will try a human call and hope for a response. *clears throat* 🎵Sweet Caroline🎵
From a distance: 🎵Bah bah bah🎵
Sasquatch: You heard that! It was a human!
Camera Sasquatch: I don’t know. Could be a bird.
[to the realtor showing me a property on sesame street] wait is that a vampire
My friend went out with a guy who works at Trader Joe’s and when she mentioned she likes the new brookie caramel candy clusters he said he didn’t want to talk about work 😅
Good luck with my paper jam, next person.
Lion: *eating me*
Me: *twirling hair* so, like, what are we?
COP: Are you armed?
ME: *extremely good at talking myself into a beating* I’m armed and legged.
Truthfully, I’m hungover. But if anyone asks, this is a yoga position.
When people introduce a statement with “Not gonna lie,” it fills me with confidence in their honor and commitment to veracity.
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
My 5yo, asserting his independence on the last day of school by coming downstairs dressed in fleece pants on a 90 degree day. I’m sweating just looking at him.
I avoided Walmart like the plague before it was the plague
Me My dog
Any house is an Airbnb if you’re quiet enough
*Looking to buy a house*
ME: So, tell me about the neighborhood.
REALTOR: Great school district, very safe neighbo…
ME: No, I mean like the bars.. Are the bars close to here and do I need an Uber or can I just walk to them? What are their happy hour specials like?
Bart Simpson is bad for this country of America
I just saw a reel where a momfluencer claims that if you just play with your toddler for 15 minutes a day, they won’t have tantrums, and I’m pretty sure this woman has never met a toddler in her life
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
Language is cool because it’s just a bunch of sounds, but put them in the right order & you can make someone cry or you can order tacos.
*calls restaurant*
Me: Hi is your place a kid friendly restaurant?
Host: Of course it is sir
*hangs up*
Me (comforting a friend who’s team lost): There, there. Football is stupid
“I love ribs! What are ribs, anyway? Are they like cow, or like people…or?”
-my 6yo daughter, that’s apparently not disturbed by cannibalism
*My wife being frustrated by my kids*
Wife: Can you just give me 2 seconds to myself?
8YO: 1, 2. Now can I have snack?
“Follow your heart,” as advice, is sort of like “abandon yourself to cognitive bias.”
*drops off box to Salvation Army*
“Sir, why is this box marked W I F E?”
*peels out*
ME: what are those little bugs hovering around the basket of grapes?
GUY: fruit flies I think
ME: *rolls eyes* no it doesn’t, doug
“Son you’re just not cut out to be a mime.”
“Is it something I said?”
“Yes.”
When Adam and Eve ate the apple I remember thinking, “Well, that’s a sin, but at least it’s original.”
In the wake of inflation, and the conflict in Eastern Europe, the Germans are predicting a shortage of sausage and cheese. They’re formulating a plan for it, which they’re calling the würst/käse scenario
my cousin’s baby is due tomorrow & my grandma keeps checkin her phone for news. waitin for the baby 2 text her like “im here lol. from baby”