At the store, I selected some tortillas, turned and found a woman strolling wordlessly away with my shopping cart, leading me to the realization I had left MY cart in frozen foods and just casually stolen and done 50 feet of browsing with hers, confirming I am bad at everything.
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Me: *brings home new puppy*
My dogs: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!
Clearance aisles are awesome. I don’t even have a ham but for fifty cents I’m gonna glaze something.
Nothing says disinterest more than The Flash being late for a Justice League meeting
Tinder isn’t a babysitting app. Apologies to Crystal and Janine for the misunderstanding.
don’t worry, i’m not like other girls
*head slowly rotates 360*
Wishing everyone who’s visiting their parents for Christmas a very water tastes wrong.
Don’t touch my nutella with your banana.
I often think if I’d taken a different path in life, I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now.
If you tell my dog he’s getting a treat and forget, he will stalk you until you remember. We came in an hour ago and I just figured out why he’s been following me around and staring at me like I’m made of bacon.
Growing up, our family had this really lovely old German Shepherd, I’ll never forget being in floods of tears the day that mum and dad had to sit us down and tell us that he was being tried for war crimes.
amazon: your order has been placed
me: great thanks
amazon: your order is being prepared
me: cool
amazon: your order is being put in the truck
me: it’s ok i don’t need an update on every step
amazon: the driver just buckled his seatbelt
My husband ordered a hearing aid off of Amazon. I’m so screwed you guys.
I just raced a Smart car. He barely beat me, but that’s only cuz I stopped to tie my shoe.
Them: sir there’s no food allowed in here.
Me: this is my service burrito.
When I was 6 my cousin stole my boomerang. The next day his parents died in a car crash. Andy, if you’re reading this, I want my boomerang.
I live in fear that my death will somehow be connected to the opening of a pressurized Pillsbury cinnamon roll container.
I just stabbed a pin in my arm.
Somewhere out there a bunch of voodoo dolls just said ‘Ouch.’
i once made an offhand comment at summer camp that got a laugh so i remembered it for a year and worked it into conversation the next summer but it didn’t get a laugh that year. so you see i don’t need to do stand-up, i’ve already internalized its lessons.
Just hit a racist with my car. Probably a racist. I feel like he was. Statistically, very likely. Oh so you think there’s no racism problem?
Shortly before lockdown I sold a cordless vacuum cleaner to someone and didn’t, I repeat didn’t, say to him as I handed it over, well it was just gathering dust.
I now have to live with this missed opportunity.
Don’t be shallow and marry someone just for their looks. Make sure they have money.
If anyone is feeling hysterical please stop by my house and I will slap you
I’ve started dressing up as the Grim Reaper when I’m at home because in the marriage guidance counselling I asked my wife how I could change and she said ‘Doom aura round the house’.
I think she said something about listening too.
being a liberal is all fun and games until you need a friend with a truck
Italians speak with their hands, but I’m more efficient.
I only need one finger to get my point across.
I may eat animals, but at least I wait until they’re DEAD.
Plants are ALIVE, vegans.
You disgust me.
Some people are hope, some people are nope.
Choose wisely.
Everyone hates big pharma until they have a headache.
What was the point in making your car louder, bro?
Do you really want women to turn their heads and notice you drive a 1999 Honda Civic?
If I owned a Brazilian waxing joint, I’d call it Pubic’s Cube or The Razor’s Edge or Hedging Your Bets or Getting a Leg Up or Bush League or