(at the tavern, 16th century) bro you cannot horse and buggy home. you’ve had too much ale. bro give me your reins right now
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I burnt my tongue and now everything tastes like a 9v battery.
Therapist: Where do you see this going?
Me: Drinking and talking to the bartender instead of you.
According to the 25th Amendment, if the President is incapacitated, the Vice President becomes the executive producer of “The Apprentice.”
[at a party]
Friend: let’s play this game that most of us know
Me: idk how to play, can 7 of you yell the different rules at me all at once?
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
*middle of a 6 hour road trip,
One 8 year old twin says to the other: “Id roast you, but Mom said I’m not allowed to burn trash.”
My milkshake won’t bring the boys to the yard but I’m betting my free wifi will.
[getting murdered]
Hang on, let me clear my browsing history
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
[hardware store]
Me: Let me do the talking. This is man stuff
Wife: Fine
Clerk: Can I help you?
Me: I need a whacker thingy to hit nails
Judge: Have you any words before I pronounce sentence?
Me: Yes. Could you also pronounce Worcestershire?
Went over todo list for fishing vaca, Noticed wife put “WTF” aside “B Plug”.
Had to explain, the “Boat Plug” keeps the water out of the boat
do people who back up into parking spots also back up into elevators
Writing prompt: You will run out of money entirely in three months and your only skill is writing.
*Takes our kid away so my wife can have a break*
*Takes kid to pub*
*Bumps into wife at pub*
7yo: You count to 20 and I’ll hide.
Me: Ok. [Starts counting.]
[Goes downstairs to drink coffee and eat cookies.]
Mad cow disease wears off and eventually you’re just tired with a cow disease.
It doesn’t matter what’s behind you, keep moving forward at your own pace, you’ll get there..
Unless it’s flashing lights behind you ..then floor it and hope they don’t catch up…
Cell phones ruined the fun of pushing a fully clothed person into a pool.
Horse: *tapping the hood* it’s got 400 manpower
dril cadence
I fell down the stairs earlier but thank god my dogs were there to wag their tails and step on me
Husband: Where are Girl Scout cookies?
Me: We were robbed.
Husband: They only took the cookies?
Me: Well, that and the vase your mom gave us for the holidays. Weird, right?
ME: let’s not fight
DOCTOR: you punched me
ME: you stabbed me
DOCTOR: with a needle
ME: let’s not fight
Bitcoin. Toothurt.
*[At the dinner table]*
“No grandma, those aren’t knitting needles. We’re having Chinese food”
Leaving a watermelon on someone’s doorstep in the middle of night is a pretty inexpensive way to occupy a portion of their mind forever.
Kids too energetic? Make them go on a walk with you and they’ll suddenly be unable to move any part of their body.
I’m a big Kate Bush fan, and thanks to her I’ve just discovered a fascinating historical drama series called Stranger Things, all about youngsters in America a long time ago.
Someone taught my daughter how to craft 3D snowflakes and now she’s made so many that the inside of my home looks like it was in the path of an avalanche.