[at the top of mt everest]
friend: i can’t believe we did it!
me: i know!
friend: what do you think of the view?
me: whoopi goldberg is amazing and the guest panelists they have always bring a fresh perspective but it should’ve stopped after season 15.
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I’ve just seen my doctor quickly close the Wikipedia page for ‘bones’
Really mean guy at the golf course called me a 4 and then hit me with his golf ball 🙁
My husband is volunteering to dress as the grim reaper and walk around stores where the folx are leisurely shopping and chatting.
You want to piss off a woman? Hide one shoe.
dam girl
nintendo: so you hate doing chores, right
me: totally
nintendo: and you hate working a job
me: so much
nintendo: what if you did all that while hopelessly in debt to a capitalist raccoon?
me: will it be cute
nintendo: so cute
me: then i will do it for 20,000 hours
Did you hear there is a tampon shortage? Somebody better get in there and pull some strings
Five-word horror story:
“I’m going that way too”
Ever notice that women say “scare you to death” while men say “scare the pants off you”?
Well played men, well played…
Gotta love those girls in department stores wearing lab coats–taking time away from their experiments to help women out with their makeup.
cool hat i found in the hospital bathroom for a cowboy like myself
The National Enquirer got a hold of my nudes and sent them back to me.
T-Rex teen: Omg, that meteor is so bright, I’m literally dying!
T-Rex mom: don’t be so dramatic…
Him: you watch too much Food Network
Me: just enjoy your artisanal bread covered in a delectable berry compote
Him: its toast and jelly
Boss: I hope you didnt think about work while you were on vacation
Me: I don’t even think about it when I’m here
OH MY GOD I FORGOT TO UNPLUG THE TOASTER
[flash to dog in sunglasses waiting for his fifth batch of waffles to pop up]
I was told that I could have anything as long as I applied myself, but the loan officer at my bank begs to differ.
Me: Hi.
Girl: No.
Each one of us has a secret. My secret is that I can’t keep a secret. Also Jill is a lesbian.
[first day as magician]
Me: *pulls rabbi out of hat* Sorry, forgot my tea this morning
My husband gets into the holiday spirit by saying JESUS CHRIST over and over while putting up the Christmas tree.
Alexa, make out with the Roomba
[sees some cut grass]
“Nice”
[sees some ripped leaves]
“oh yea”
[sees a twig with a 6 pack]
“holy shit”
[shipwreck diary]
Day 32: a plane flew over last night but I fired the only flare on day 5 to celebrate my first solid shit in over a week
What did the little champagne bottle call his father?
Pop!
[at condiment counter]
*does shot of ketchup*
Me (gets in kid’s face): Wait your turn, punk
Wife: Oh no…he’s getting sauced up again
GUY: Ugh this rice crispy treat is disgusting!
ME: There you go sweetie, it takes 23 oz of sawdust before people won’t eat them anymore.
DAUGHTER: This is going to be the best science fair ever!
C’mon Facebook, if I wanted her to know I’m thinking of her on her birthday I’d put the binoculars away, step out from this bush and just say ‘hi’ once she’s finished showering.
I need this dude and coffin dancers and I’m set!
My husband’s on a work Skype, so every few minutes I silently cross the room behind him dressed as a new character from Wicked.