*at the vet*
me: my new cat won’t stop hissing
vet: ma’am this is a cockroach
me: oh crap. that pet store ripped me off
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They say to avoid things that excite you when it’s time to sleep, but what’s more exciting than getting to sleep?
Oura Ring: “Time to stretch your legs a bit?”
I’M IN BACK TO BACK ZOOM MEETINGS LEAVE ME ALONE HEALTH DEVICE!
MC HAMMER: U can’t touch this! … U can’t touch this!
MASSAGE THERAPIST: Please just let me do my job Mr. Hammer!
MC HAMMER: U can’t tou…
Instill fear in your spouse by telling them they talk in their sleep.
Him: I like bad girls.
Me: Sometimes I deliberately leave out the Oxford comma.
Me: That’s a lie. I’m sorry, I can’t do this.
If you put a hot dog in a blender and serve it with whipped cream people don’t ask to come over anymore
Is there something I can hang around my neck to show that I’m a big fan of crucifixions?
When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten.
When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that shit.
Fun Fact: When you die, someone will feel inconvenienced that your funeral is on a particular day. lol
why he move like a hotel transylvania character
Technically… It’s only illegal when you get arrested.
I don’t know. “Your goose is cooked” seems like a positive. Like someone saying, “Hey, dinner’s ready. We’re having goose.”
In my next life I’m coming back with money and good looks. This great personality shit is not working.
Just because I’m Irish doesn’t mean I am always drunk. It means I always want to be.
me: “beetle rabbit”
boss: “that’s a terrible idea for a cartoon”
jim who always steals my ideas but makes them better somehow: “bugs bunny?”
Its like grandma said,
You’re not crazy when you sleep
this atm and my therapist need to get together and pick a lane
Top three perverts that see you when you’re sleeping:
CAUGHT IN A ˢˡⁱᵈᵉ
these freddie videos i swear-
Anyone who thinks children are not just tiny criminals has never been shaken down for a dollar at 6:30 am
If you don’t have one final pee, “for the road,” are you even over 40?
ME: [plucking chicken] Who lets their eyebrows get this bad?
How many virgins do I get from dying of embarrassment? Does anyone know?
My wife almost fell down the stairs today and that got us into a heated argument whether my gasp was out of concern or excitement.
Brain: If we leave now we’ll be on time for once.
Body: Ten more minutes then.
Went to a Trump rally in New Hampshire this week. Hard to describe the vibe, but “what if the Nazis didn’t care about fitness?” comes close.
I bet the women who only tweet about sex are probably some of the nicest men you’ll ever meet in person.
Why are kids obsessed with toy tools and toy appliances? Like buddy this is the one time in your life you don’t have to do shit, why you wanna pretend to repair the washing machine and cook fake pancakes?
My 17yo son made me do 40 seconds of star jumps in the garden to help me ‘keep fit’.
In return I made him no dinner to help him ‘keep slim’.