*at the vet*
me: my new cat won’t stop hissing
vet: ma’am this is a cockroach
me: oh crap. that pet store ripped me off
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A shrimp cannot fry rice, what do y’all not understand?
Organ harvesting really creeps me out, so I’m doing what I can to make mine unsalvageable.
I’m starting a merciful puzzle company that keeps the edge pieces separate from the middle pieces because it’s 2019 and we shouldn’t have to work so hard to be bored.
My (27F) boyfriend (28M) won’t stop saying he’s “microdosing pants” whenever he wears shorts
Me: [giggling] who is Thor’s favorite rapper?
Wife: I don’t know, MC Hammer?
Me: oh.
Wife: [sigh] what’s wrong?
Me: nothing…I mean…why did you say I don’t know if you clearly knew the answer.
This is your captain speaking. Those of you on the right side of the plane may have noticed 3 pyramids. This is 3 more than we were expecting to see in Barcelona. Anyway, does anyone have google maps?
[Concert finishes]
Me: *taking a bow*
Violinist: Hey, give that back
I haven’t worn corduroy since that time I almost died in a fire chasing the ice cream man…
How can a murderer return to the scene of the crime? I don’t even go to the same McDonald’s too soon after I’ve eaten there.
“girls just want to have fun” no. i want one million dollars cash
Niece: A have a lot of friends named Nathan, there’s Nathan…(endless droning about nicknames)
Me: When they are together, do you call them The United Nathans?
(Not sure what happened after that because I was laughing hysterically at what may be the best dad joke ever made.)
When your emotional bank account is empty you have “insufficient funs”
Whoever invented popcorn deserves the Medal of Honor for not panicking after the first 45 seconds.
My gf wants us to try couples counseling and I said we should use my therapist bc he already knows what’s wrong with her
Sucks how parents can’t name their son The Green River Killer anymore since The Green River Killer went & ruined it for everyone.
My 4yo just asked me if I was there when we went to Disney 6 weeks ago for 5 days, so I’m obviously making a huge impact in her life.
It may be autocorrect, but I’m excited to see how this plays out when I drive my friend to pickup her satan wedding dress.
The most embarrassing moment of my life was when I called my teacher “mom” during sex.
Me: On today’s episode of Inside the Actor’s Studio….apartment….
Ryan Reynolds: How did you get in here?
Really had myself thinking I was doing ok financially until I went shopping for a couch.
The only reason i’m not practicing bungee jumping is because i refuse to be weighed.
Yes I am 45, male and love cats. Recently I posted a selfie. It could be worse though, right? Hello?
A guy in line just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
[Sirens]
Dude open the door!*barricading* How do i know you’re not 1 of them?! Were you bit?!
What?! Do you not know what a hurricane is?
Can you fail a drug test from a mosquito bite?
Asking for the next person this mosquito bites.
The Secret Service are so bad at their jobs. Everyone’s heard of them.
Hold on I’m about to count my money. Alright I’m done.
Her, 6: I have a secret
Me: What is it?
Her: I’m not gonna tell you… but it’s about a marker
Me: Oh no
Her: yeeeah
This bloke knocked on my door and asked me if I’ve considered an alternative energy supplier.
I said, ‘No thanks, I’m quite happy with food.’
Just got off the phone with my mom.
She had a good chat.Unrelated, there are 1273 Cheerios left in this box.