[at the vets]
ME: I think my chicken is refusing to lay eggs to spite me
VET: Your chicken is a cock
ME: Tell me about it
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Never read the comments. Unless you’re posting a comment. Then, read all the comments, because 40 other people already said that, genius.
If my Fitbit really wanted me to be more active it would tell me there’s food at my door.
Sorry pregnant ladies, all of your 3D ultrasounds look like Gollum in an Ikea lampshade.
My wife sent me an image of herself which really enticed me into coming home from work early.
It was a picture of her at the airport.
“To each their own”
Translation ~ one of us is right, and well… the other one is you.
Prayers for my children who very tragically found vegetables mixed in their mac and cheese.
Why the hell would I use turn signals? I know where we’re going.
my fitness device congratulated me on “playing ice hockey” and told me i burned 300 calories over the past 20 minutes.
i was eating a Wendy’s baconator.
One time, when the kids were teenagers,
we tried to ditch them on a family holiday.It didn’t work, unfortunately.
They found us.
Just think, if Aristotle would have been a cow, today we’d all be studying meadowphysics.
Was standing in my front yard this evening and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
[gym]
ME: hey can you spot me
HIM: yeah
ME: *hiding under the bench* how about now
TEACHER: Have you got anything for today’s palindrome class?
STUDENT: dammit I’m mad
TEACHER: OK, OK, I’ll ask someone else
RACCOON: I’m being burglarized
911: can u describe him
RACCOON: he’s wearing a mask
911: maybe he’s your
RACCOON: nevermind, it’s my husband
“Hey, we’re wearing the same shoes,” I say to a teenager, ruining her day.
Let’s give a big round of applause to everyone on Facebook who went to the gym today even though they “hate it”!! They are the real heroes.
Dear mother:
I have survived the second bot purge. The humans dont seem to suspect. They’ve welcomed me into their circles. I must be careful now.
Love to you and father,
Martha
A bug on my hood as I’m leaving the driveway. Suddenly I’m the nameless adult in a Disney movie ferrying him away from all he’s ever known.
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok I’ll take one
[later]
duck: quick
me: I see
4: can I have a snack?
Me: it’s almost time for dinner.
4: if it’s not dinner time, it’s snack time.
Y’all say redheads eat souls like it’s a bad thing, but I’m telling you, this diet is really going to pay off come swimsuit season.
I’m chunky but I always wear activewear in public so that people think I’m at least doing something about it.
Little known fact, Alvin wore the big A on his shirt because he slept around.
I think we should hear other voices.
if your newborn baby has a full head of hair that means it is a business baby and is ready to enter the world of finance
wife: what’d the doctor say?
me: she said i gotta quit drinking
wife: oh, do you think you’ll be able to do that?
me: yeah *pulls beersicles from freezer* i got a plan
Kids teach you so many life lessons.
Unconditional love, patience, the meaning of family, but mostly to lock the bedroom door.
Apparently Red Cross won’t let you donate blood if you bring it in a Coke bottle. That squirrel died for nothing.
Me: Who is the most handsome man in the world?
Wife: Ewan McGreggor
Me: Thank you but you can only pick one
imagime if introverts were as aggresive to extroverts as extroverts r to introverts
“why do u hav to socialize”
“why dont u stay in”
“loser”