At the zoo, you have to drag me away from the otter pool. The promise of a soft pretzel usually does it.
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*walks into Babies R Us*
Hi I’d like to buy a baby.
“Sir we don’t-”
*I slide him a 100 dollar bill*
“This way please.”
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
My kids want a second dog for me to feed, walk and clean up after for Christmas.
I love when a company announces it “parted ways” with an executive, like they wistfully waved goodbye to each other at a foggy train station, instead of the guy being marched out the door by security with a box in his hands.
Being a parent means hiding in a closet to eat a donut so you don’t have to share.
I’d pay this overdue bill but I’m waiting to see what color invoice they will use next.
The paper defeats rock explanation that the paper will wrap around the rock has always been lame. The rock is just as dangerous with paper wrapped around it; it is not defeated.
I’d get into a lesbian relationship just to mooch my girlfriend’s hair care products.
I haven’t been to the gym in months. I wonder if all the pudding cups in my locker have spoiled?
[10,000 BC]
Primary cause of death: Eaten[Now]
Primary cause of death: Eating
I missed one episode of the news and now I have no clue wtf is happening.
Gum commercials exaggerate your odds of kissing a complete stranger in public by 780,000,000%
Noam Chomsky is a crazy name like you sound hungry as f***
Me before watching a serial killer documentary: I bet this killer was so successful because of their intelligence and cunning, and not just because of the gross incompetence of local law enforcement.
Me after watching a serial killer documentary: Well, shit.
Stay humble, you are someone’s weird coworker.
waiter: any water for the table
me: [to date] does he not know trees die when you cut them down or
One time I was talking to a really cute med student, we were flirting and laughing and it all looked promising. Then I sat down on a chair and it collapsed under me and shattered.
Anyway that was 26 years ago and I haven’t sat down since.
KID: daddy how are idiots made
ME: well you see when another driver and your blindspot love each other very much…
Computer: [down]
Help desk: you’ll need to submit an online ticket
Siri: Retweet me.
[performance review]
boss: from now on you’re getting supervision
me: yes!!
boss: wait, that doesn’t mean–
me: *already smashing my glasses*
What the world needs now is love, sweet love…
And an extinction level asteroid.
I ate a banana so big that my Facebook relationship status automatically changed from “Married” to “It’s Complicated.”
“bill gates wants to microchip me” u are not interesting enough to be microchipped paul no one cares that u go to bass pro shop 8 times a week
Cw: Ignorance is bliss
Me: Explains why you’re so happy
HR: It’s good to see you again
One Oscars rule that I have is when you say “TO MY PARENTS UP THERE”, you should have to clarify whether they are dead or in the balcony
(Halloween Party)
Friend: What’s your costume?
Me: I’m dressed as “A total disappointment”
Friend: But you always wear that
Me: Yeah.
Mafia boss: This dish tastes funny. What is it?
Amelia Bedelia: I cooked the books just like you told me to, boss.
If you are flying out of DC on virgin today, check under your seat for a very large mom bra. It’s like a talk show giveaway!
*2 days before payday*
Me: CLEAR!
Teller: I’m telling you that this is unnecessary
Me: *places defibrillator onto check* I SAID “CLEAR”!