{At therapists}
SIMBA: Once my dad let a monkey hold me over a cliff.
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me: *holding bowling ball*
friend: going bowling?
me: nope— playing enormous marbles
The best part about my sex life is all the free time it affords me.
me to the dentist: can u make my teeth more how u say al dente
[at the vets]
ME: I think my chicken is refusing to lay eggs to spite me
VET: Your chicken is a cock
ME: Tell me about it
Ever listened to 90s R&B lyrics?
Sex you up?
Licky boom-boom down?
No wonder none of us know what the hell were doing in relationships
I’ll take ‘Liars’ for $500, Alex
“Sorry that’s not-”
Who is Karen?
“Sir-”
‘Cheaters’ for $1000
“Again that’s-”
*lips on mic* Who is Karen?
Willy Wonka: Welcome to my chocolate factory!
Kid: I love chocolate!
Willy Wonka: It’s death for you. I also make gum!
Next kid: I love gum!
Willy Wonka: Death. Anyone else here love anything?
Next kid: … I like TV?
Willy Wonka: ………… Death.
Every car wash comes with a free shower if you get out of your vehicle naked.
hoarder on TV: pls help me doc
therapist: of course. lets start by throwing out all these anime posters. we’ll take them to my car
At my funeral play the Super Mario original theme until my casket is lowered in the ground then play the underground music
Pretty sure “see less from” is to Facebook what “close door” is to an elevator
[at the beach, about to get in the ocean]
“but i don’t want my stuff stolen”
*covers it with towel*
“ok now it’s safe”
You look like the kind of person who touches garden gnomes appropriately.
Go to bed barstool. You’re drunk
I was doing CPR on a co-worker for 5 minutes before someone told me that’s just how she laughs
A confessional booth but the pastor just complains to you about the last guy.
They say you should do something every day that scares you so I napped without the little pillow between my knees and now my lower back is terrified.
me: “why was she called the little mermaid, she was 5ft7?”
therapist: “i meant anything bothering you about your marriage keith”
I’ve eaten so many cheeseburgers, my hula hoop is just a fancy waist bracelet.
I hate people who use big words in tweets just to make themselves look perspicacious.
[harry potter, college edition]
Voldemort: the boy who lived, come t-
Harry: yeah yeah just kill me already
Voldemort: wh-what
Harry: i’m $100k in debt and i have a masters in communications
Voldemort: *giggling* on second thought nevermind
My type is 12 pt Helvetica.
Whenever I go down the stairs next to an escalator, I always move faster than the escalator to prove to the people I made the better decision
Marriage has an interesting way of turning the word ‘whatever’ into a flamethrower.
Daughter: dada?
Me: no honey it’s not.
Daughter: is time travel possi-
Me: [winks].
Daughter: [runs away] AHHHHHHH!
Wife: how did you do that?
Me: I paid our son a dollar to ask her to ask me.
Make people question sincerity by adding quotations to your cards:
“Thank You”
Get well “soon”
“Congratulations” on the “baby”
[eating dinner]
wife
me
wife
me [wearing 8 Burger King crowns] If they didn’t want you to take more than one there’d be a sign
wife
me
wife
I like running because it’s cheaper than paying for a gym membership. If the gym wants the money I owe them, they’ll have to catch me.
3rd eye: youre on drugs
4th eye: youre a nerd
5th-7th eyes: ???
8th eye: you are now a spider
9th eye: spider on drugs
16th eye: nerd spider
ME EVREY MORNIG: nonono no noNO no NONO NO!!!
ME EVREY NIGHT: u know wat wil make my morning amazing?! setting my favorite song as my alarm