At this late date, the only way I’m gonna be famous is if I save a baby from a fire. And the baby is filming the whole thing with his phone.
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I’m a bit concerned about my delivery driver
You better watch out
My 6yo just stepped on a spider and thought she killed it, but it got up and scurried away. Her response? “Oh. My. God. It’s Spider Jesus.”
Me buying frivolous things: Well, you have to spend money to spend money.
“But I don’t want to, Dad!”
“Tough”
“The people are horrible”
“You’re still going”[next day on Earth]
JESUS *grumpily* so I’m back
Make good choices because ghosts are stuck with the haircut they died with.
When someone tries to tell me they can’t do something, I’m like “you ever hear of the Power of Grayskull?”
He is ready
#meowed #TheMeowedClub
During dinner 10 asked 5 to imagine a world without ketchup. She hasn’t spoken in 3 hours I think he broke her
Before I met my wife I only used bar soap in the shower.
Last week I threw a tantrum like a five year old because I ran out of ocean salt scrub for my beard.
I carry a pack of Tums in my pocket in case I run into a hostile plate of jalapeño chili nachos and can’t escape
A guy I know got bitten by a radioactive bedbug. He spent 3 weeks in a coma, but when he came round again he was able to fold a fitted sheet
I accidentally just sent a kissy face emoji to my female boss… and now we wait for the call from HR on Monday.
Ain’t gonna lie. Growing up, I thought Bermuda triangle is gonna be a bigger problem than it turned out to be.
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
me: and my ninja stars
aragorn: who keeps inviting this guy
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on the wall it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR.
me: *just doesnt know when to quit* see you tomorrow
boss: *just doesnt know when to fire me* yep
Shouldn’t Alien vs. Predator just be called Alien vs. Alien?
My husband gets so mad when I introduce him as my first husband.
People that add “oholic” to jokingly describe things they’re addicted to seem to be unclear as to where the word “alcohol” ends.
Whoever came up with *gobsmacked* should name all of our emotional responses.
to be perfectly honest, loose dogs seem like the lesser issue here
If I were lost and all I had was a compass I would still be lost.
ME AT 19: I’m gonna travel to so many countries!
ME AT 29: I’m gonna try a new craft beer!
ME AT 39: I’m gonna try a different cat litter
Just flipped my mattress, should have woke up my wife first
There was a piece of chocolate cake in the fridge and a note “Don’t eat me”.Now there’s an empty plate and a note “Don’t tell me what to do”
watching annie with the kids and now they want me to put them in an orphanage so a wealthy person can adopt them
As I sit in this coffee shop practicing for my Sign Language final it occurs to me, all of these people probably think that I’m talking to myself.
For sale: Baby, won’t stop selling its shoes.
I’m just going to say it: I don’t think Arkham Asylum has good security.