At this point, HBO knows we’d watch any dragon show. Like: The King needs an heir to the throne that unites the 7 pillars of sanctity across the river of Borjovia, but encounters a dragon from Mt Draco that needs crystal fire blessed by the monks that own the local kebab shop.
You Might Also Like
Kids. Because who else is willing to stampede through the house sounding like an overweight elephant while also only weighing 30 pounds?
How do I tell Instagram I don’t want to see guys almost eaten by gators?
Her: do we have an LED lightbulb
Me: you don’t have to spell it the kids are asleep
that time Mario got bit by a radioactive koala
Me: What do you call a tailor that only alters pants? A slacker.
Cop: Please exercise your right to remain silent.
Hate it when I yawn and the soul of the ageless demon nestled within my heart screams shrilly, audible to the town down in the valley, causing villagers to quake in fear and begin preparing another sacrifice.
12 people have been to the moon and only 8 people have won Takeshis castle. Really makes you think.
I have no fear of my family pulling the plug on me if I ever go on life support because I know how much they love wasting electricity
A nicer way to tell someone their breath stinks is to say “I’m bored, let’s go brush your teeth!”
I may have failed as a lifeguard in myriad ways, but don’t you dare say I wasn’t punctual.
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
Wife: “Sorry, but my OBGYN said no sex for six weeks after childbirth.”
Me: “Oh, ok. What about…”
Wife: “My dentist said six weeks too.”
guy: [stands up at front of plane]
me: “please don’t be overbooked”
guy: [pulls gun] “this plane is now under my control”
me: “oh thank god”
Priest: Don’t chew gum in church.
Me: If I don’t, I’ll have bad breath when I talk to God.
Priest:
Me: It’s your fault if I go to hell.
Always remember to look for the end of the extension cord you left in the yard before taking a piss.
I was confused when my wife asked me what I spent $108 on at the liquor store. I answered “liquor?”
All is not a trick question. Apparently
Welcome to your 50s, your joints are now meteorologists.
i don’t think you all understand. if Taylor Swift didn’t have a private jet she’d be Taylor Slow
My kids want a second dog for me to feed, walk and clean up after for Christmas.
People: Let us know if you need help!
Me: Okay I need help
People:
Phone
Me: *rushed* I’ll be there but I need to get the chocolate rice crispies cereal out of my hair first
Person: How…
Me: I don’t want to talk about it
Nephew: Do you like Minecraft?
Me: [trying to seem cool] I am interested in how mines are built, yes.
Our former nanny is pregnant and while I’m happy for her I’m mostly just relieved that my kids didn’t ruin her desire to be a parent
If you call pooping ‘taking a dumpling’ it’s too cute for people to care where you did it
This is why you should never put a bald person on the front page of a newspaper
I wore a training bra for years and these things still don’t listen to a word I say
you haven’t truly known fear until a long-forgotten furby in the back of your bedroom closet starts screaming in an australian accent at 3am
Actually, this is my first rodeo. Why is that angry cow trying to kill me?
Of all the martial arts, karaoke inflicts the most pain.
Her: I feel a special connection between you and I.
Me: I think you mean between you and me.
Her: I don’t mean either now.