At this point, I think the people on “The Walking Dead” are trying to bore the zombies into not biting them.
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Guys are like bears, if you lay very still they’ll paw at you a little bit then give up and go look for food..
i have lived through 30 winters and i’m somehow still surprised when it gets dark before 5pm in november
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
We all started out as eggs here.
Apparently, some just end up cracking.
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
Live each day like it’s going to be the opening line of your eulogy
Remember to think of others this holiday season!
[on honeymoon in Paris]
Her: Look, there’s the Eiffel Tower
Me: Wait, I thought you said you’d never been to Paris before?
what do you want to eat?
what are you in the mood for?
4 said he went potty and I asked if it was number one or number two. He said number 7, and now I’m terrified to go into the bathroom.
[dentist chair]
how’s school?
*I start talking, dentist notices his hand isn’t in my mouth*
oh sorry
*puts hand in my mouth*
how’s school?
😂 amazing answer
“Dad this is better than Applebee’s”
Well if you need me I will be over here filling out my MasterChef application.
nice challenge
We buried our grandad with his exercise bike – he’s spinning in his grave.
“Don’t ask.”
Oh. I wasn’t even listening.
Why do they call it a zoom meeting, and not a co-vid?
I started to keep a notepad beside the bed so that I can write down tweets at night, so far I have:
Really shitty handwriting in the dark.
Optometrist: better or worse
Me: oh worse, everything’s definitely worse
i don’t have a nervous system, i am a nervous system
When someone rings the doorbell I say to my kids, “I think it’s Santa Claus!” so I don’t have to get up.
[hotel]
me: do you offer turndown service
concierge: sorry no
me: thank you
“I found my charger!!”
– a love story
それは草
Adding “scroll for two hours” to my To-Do list, so I won’t do it.
5: mom i learned the months of the year!
me: oh yeah? what are they?
5: january…february…tuesday?
me: *tears up application to harvard
coworker: those are some crazy socks
me: well I guess th-
socks: THE GOVERNMENT RECORDS ALL OF OUR PHONE CALLS & IS HIDING UFO EVIDENCE
Listening to a friend tell me about her deep and meaningful dream knowing last night I dreamed I found a cave cricket in my nose.
The older I get, the more excited I become about the possibility of getting a motorized scooter.
Of course I regularly eat international cuisine. Only last week I had cyrillic alphabetti spaghetti.