At this point I’d just like to have my winter body back.
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Kiss me you fool.
Embrace me you dolt.
Cuddle me you simpleton.
Marry me you megalomaniac.
HAVE MY BABY YOU GARBAGE PERSON.
Instead of chasing after Taylor Swift, I’m just going to wait until she breaks up with everyone else so I’m all that’s left.
Heavens to Betsy
Betsy to Heavens
Heavens BACK to Betsy
Betsy-GOOOOOAAAALLLLLLLL
If I insisted on getting my kids to bed by 7:00 every night, I’d have to start their bedtime routine just after breakfast.
Look, I’m sorry about your leg but this note from my doctor clearly states that this is an emotional support wolverine.
Champagne lovers are bubblyophiles
It never gets old to hear someone say “Oh no” when I say I’m calling from the health department
Wife: Our dog was put down and then my husband died, it was tough
Medium *nodding* he was the love of your life
Wife: Yes of course!
Medium: He has something to say to you
Wife: omg go on
Medium: woof
My bag of chocolate-covered espresso beans is empty.
In unrelated news, my daughter is swinging Tarzan-style from the ceiling lamp.
kinda feel like the bridge overreacted
Therapist: let’s work on some realistic expectations
Me: *still straining to lift a tissue box using the Force*
The only way I’m gonna hit the gym is if I accidentally drive into it
Zelda is the name of the PRINCESS, the guy in green who saves her is named Luigi, idiots.
in the original Little Mermaid, Flounder was meatier. if you saw him on someone’s plate on a restaurant you’d go “i’ll have THAT.” This new one does not look appetizing and could not satisfy me.
“I missed you today.”
“Awwww I missed you too.”
*both frantically reload dueling pistols*
The acute panic of my child going to hunt for batteries in my bedroom.
“A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step” but so does the one from the living room to the kitchen for snacks and it’s a lot less tiring.
N = Someone
O = Doesn’t
P = Understand
E = Acronyms
If love is blind, why the hell can I still see my husband standing there with a tank top tucked into his shorts.
*Telephone Rings*
Advice Nurse: Hello, how can I assist you today?
Werewolf: *sweating* CAN I EAT CHOCOLATE?
My parents are replacing a toilet in the house I grew up in, so now it’s just some potty that I used to know.
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Helena Bonham Carter eats eight spiders a day. Not in her sleep, just whenever.
Depraved Masochist Enjoys Following The News
“I would absolutely say I’m an introvert!” – Guy screaming to his table full of friends at brunch.
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Parents that need to reheat coffee are adorable.
Hardened parents will chug it cold, or chew straight up coffee grounds; they’re desperate.
I bought a high-tech mop and I’m very excited about it. Not so excited that I’m going to throw up, but it wouldn’t be a problem if I did.