At this point, I’m not sure if my house is a mess or my mess is a house.
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Police Officer: “Turn around!”
Me: *sings* “Every every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you’re never coming round…”
[end of date]
Him: I’ll text you soon.
Her: Cool. I’ll just sit here in your car until you do.
– Whoa! Have you seen that big herd of bees outside?
– Not *herd* of bees.
– You’ve not heard of bees? They’re flying things with stings.
– I know, but it’s swarm!
– *sweating* I know, it’s boiling! But I’m not opening the window til that herd of bees has gone.
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
Husband of the year 😂
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Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because my tires look like donuts?
Cop: Get out
When I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume
Welcome to your 40s, your gum’s flavor outlasts your chewing stamina now.
Do not believe the promises made during foreplay!!
A couple of weeks ago we had an icebreaker during my graduate seminar and the question was “What is your irrational fear?” My answer was “hammerhead sharks”. And today in class I walked in and saw this:
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Everyone is awful in their own special way.
Crying friend: Have you ever had a really bad day?
Me: [picking dog hair out of my oatmeal] Can you be more specific?
I’m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.
POLICE OFFICER: I won’t ticket you, but — and this is a big but…
SIR MIX-A-LOT: I like where this is going
I’ve had so much cough medicine and this has me in tears
People keep talking about the new Star Wars trailer. In my day, Star Wars had SPACESHIPS!
I would have loved to have been there when Mary and Joseph tried to explain to Jesus where babies come from.
A great vocabulary is such a turn on. A guy used the word “bifurcated” during a meeting and I almost threw my panties at him.
Fact: if you drop a penny from a skyscraper it can kill someone on the street? It’s true, I’m still glad I went with a bowling ball though
Remember to not aim fireworks at anyone unless it’s that person who keeps microwaving fish at the office
My twins have been coming home from school every day with big cardboard models and I’m taking this as an act of war so tomorrow I’m sending one twin with a whistle and one with a book that plays baby shark on repeat
I told my therapist I was upset she raised her rates again and she said that while I can’t control the situation, I can do something to control my reaction.
*God inventing raccoons*
God: Hehe.. this’uns my lil bandit
Dude, u ok?
God: Ima give him a lil mask
Get some sleep
God: He’ll rob stuff lol
I can’t believe I’m supposed to obey ALL the traffic laws ALL the time.
When you’re at someone’s house? Normal people: “What a lovely house!” Me: “What’s your wifi password?”
I don’t remember taking this vow of celibacy.
CPR Teacher: That’s the end of the lesson. Any questions?
Me: If you all want to leave and lock the door I’ll put the dummy away.
me: oh, I have a great ide…
wife: no