At this point my intestine is just a water slide for tacos.
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Please don’t interrupt me when I’m trying to overhear something.
I carry around a fog machine so I can make a dramatic entrance every time I enter a room.
Earth: Sorry, but I love the sun now, and nothing’s going to come between us.
Moon: *throws shade*
Some dude just called me an idiot for not agreeing with him. What he doesn’t know is I’ve been calling myself that since we started talking.
If I wake up at 4:30, I’ll have 2 uninterrupted hours to exercise, clean and make a healthy breakfast.
*sets alarm for 6:30*
Guy on fb posted a picture of his baby w/ the caption “1st Easter!” Hell no, there have been like 2000, we’re not starting over just for him
A water park, but it’s just the bathroom counter after my kids brush their teeth
In a world full of rude people
be the person
that carries a slingshot.
My neighbor’s looking at me like she’s never seen a guy stuck in her doggy door before. And what’s with the screaming? And the golf club?!
Christmas movie tip. If you watch Die Hard straight after Love Actually, Alan Rickman will be punished for what he did to Emma Thompson.
my parents didn’t raise an idiot i actually did that all by myself
I woke up today with what appears to be a spider bite. I better get super powers or I’m going to be pissed.
Cat: WHERE AM GO?
Me: uh
Cat: PLS DO NOT SAY VET
Me: well
Me: um
Cat: U HAVE BETRAYED CAT
Guy: Why does everyone call you “Gross Gary”?
Gary: [filling a canteen with hotdog water] Nobody calls me that.
Cake!!
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
………GO TO HELL!!
If anyone needs some loose IKEA parts, let me know. Also, if you’re ever at my apartment, I’d avoid sitting on or touching any of my furniture.
[ouija board] hi grandma, i hope your in heaven and i love you
“..y..o..u..’r..e..”
I wish I had the exciting social life my mom must have envisioned when she used to stitch my name into my underwear.
Saw a bumper sticker today that said Choose Life. I can think of 10 other cereals I’d choose first.
Please don’t get vaccinated. There’s way too many of you.
The only thing worse than getting caught sneaking alcohol into the house by your wife is being called amateur by your teen son.
wife: Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
me [whispers] Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
toddler [whispers] Because I have small hands
me: Because he has small hands
So baby Jesus grows up to be Santa or…
Do I have a girlfriend!? Are you kidding me? DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH TOILET PAPER THOSE THINGS USE!?
I’ve been asked to stop using “finger-licking good” as an adjective at work.
Must be a covid thing.
Having to share a room with your spouse is absolute nonsense. Even kids get their own rooms…
Your email signature says “best regards” mine says “alrighty then” we are not the same.
My parents decided to test their marriage by going to IKEA today
Good is the enemy of great.
Sponge is the enemy of math.
Metaphysics is the enemy of Walmart.