At this point my only chance at getting thinner is going to a paint store.
You Might Also Like
[being carried out of the zoo on a stretcher] not all hyenas are scared of the name Mufasa, I know this now
It’s the cat’s birthday today, so we made sure to do some of his favourite things, like birdwatching, eating my houseplants, and shooting a few rounds of pool.
#ConfessToAubry
10
I work at Subway and if you are rude to me at the beginning I will make sure to grab the oldest and shittiest bread. So if your sandwich bread is hard you know why.
I used to think Calculus was confusing, then I read your last tweet.
The five second rule for food dropped on the floor means something else when you have a dog.
Good: The sweet sound of my child’s laugh
Bad: at 4 AM.
This is the one
Yes, Kiddo drank her carrot juice, if by “drank,” we mean surreptitiously pouring it into my Boston fern.
Stephen King: what if there was an *evil* clown
Mary Shelley: what if a corpse came to life
Edgar Allan Poe: oh no a bird!!!
Have no idea why I consider this *so* hilarious. But I do. 🤣🤣🤣
My 4yo just came into the living room, crying, “I don’t want Santa to see me when I poo.”
[Concert finishes]
Me: *taking a bow*
Violinist: Hey, give that back
I only treason on days ending in y
[Michael Bay directing]
“WE NEED A HOTTER CHICK”
Teacher: This is your son’s 3rd grade play
“Oh right. I forgot. WE NEED BIGGER EXPLOSIONS”
my new yoga pose is called the lounging hippopotamus
I am looking forward to 6pm Thanksgiving Day when Walmart opens its doors for its annual sale of trampled human corpses.
Sometimes in life, a bump in the road can alter your course in a new & positive direction!*
*It could also be a raccoon, or a dead jogger.
I’m sorry but I love this one 🤣🤣🤣
i do believe that bears are dangerous and anyone who thinks they can get close to one is very stupid. but i also think i am different and the bear would sense my loving spirit
It breaks my heart to think that of the 100 million hardworking pads of paper in this country, only about 20% are legal.
Reaction when you try to get out of plans but the person keeps rescheduling so you can make it.
Dear ads, I have the buying power of a Victorian milkmaid
[ first day as surgeon ]
me: and now we let the anesthesia set in
patient: do i get some too
Half the time when you booked The Cure, you got Placebo instead..
bolsonaro eating kfc for the first time then immediately being rushed to the hospital is more evidence for my theory that the american gut biome is uniquely strong and the primary tool we have to maintain our dominance as a world superpower into the 21st century
The guys who measure out the granite so it fits nicely in your kitchen were prob mad when they found out the term counterfeiters was taken
“I set all the cattle free.”
– Reverse Cowgirl
1st date
She: I enjoy long walks on the beach.
Me: *nod knowingly* Because you want to lose weight.
I’m not saying I don’t miss my kids while I’m at work but it’s nice knowing with absolute certainty that for the eight hours I’m there no one will try to follow me into the bathroom.
I’m really disappointed in Shaq for not having his own tequila called Shaquila.