At this point the angel on my shoulder just mutters “You’ll regret it,” then slowly sips whiskey.
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[hospital burn unit]
doctor: your father will die soon unless one of you can be a tissue donor
me: *pulling used kleenex from my pockets* how many
GF: I’m moving out if you don’t stop pretending you work at a supermarket.
ME: Ok. Do you need any help with your packing?
Cutting your own hair is a great thing to do in lockdown, because it can be fun and creative, it saves you money, and it ensures you definitely won’t want to leave the house for several weeks.
This is from an actual conversation 🤣🤣
Scientist: We don’t really know exactly how that happens. They’re performing electron microscopy, PCR, & tissue cultures to figure it out
Random person: Did you try searching the internet?
I’m stranded on a dessert island. Do not send help.
Ran into my neighbor in the hall and she told me she can’t wait to meet my partner.
…soooo I guess she’s heard me talking to myself.
[office meeting]
BOSS: Printer ink is costing us a ton. Any ideas on how to cut costs?
SQUID: *looks up from phone* Why y’all lookin’ at me?
[birthday shopping for Wife at Tiffany]
Me: diamond bracelet?
Clerk: $10,000
Me: cubic zirconia?
Clerk: $5,000
Me: glass?
Clerk: $2,000
Me: beaded plastic?
Clerk: $1,000
[later]
Wife: [opening present] is-is this a friendship bracelet?
Me: I made it myself : )
My 13 yro daughter just asked
What if “Let the Bodies Hit the Floor” & “It’s Raining Men” are about the same event, but from different perspectives?
Every atom in your body is born in a star, traveled millions of light years, & through an amazing process became you. & you watch Teen Mom.
Me: *enters Manager’s office wearing a pheasant face mask*
Manager: *sighs* “You know full well what I meant when I said that you needed your game face on for the meeting today”
Before I had kids I was going to be an awesome mom.
The Macarena began playing through the dental office speakers as I lied helpless with the hygienist’s hands in my mouth today. #survivor
How do American chickens cross the road? In a bucket.
You know what else is terrible these days? Quests. They used to be an epic journey to slay a dragon and save the local townspeople. Now it’s just trying to find organic chia seeds in Wholefoods.
My husband: All the flags are at half-mast this weekend.
Me: For Tina Turner?
My husband: [long, scathing pause] For Memorial Day.
[intensive care]
NURSE: I’ll never leave your side, DO YOU HEAR ME?!
ME [patient]: wow, I didn’t realize how intense the care was here.
It doesn’t take long after becoming a parent to figure out why the people that wrote nursery rhymes sounded like they were drunk.
I once sat down with Oprah to discuss my drug use but I was high & that might not have been Oprah because why did she need to borrow money?
Would you rather get paid $1,000,000 right now or pay somebody $10 a day to wake you up by punching you in the face?
I’ll take Option B. It keeps you motivated to go out and EARN. That’s the hustler mentality
A dog can locate the source of a sound in 6/100ths of a second which is almost as fast as a kid being able to locate a parent opening a candy wrapper
I got a 100 dollar giftcard to Kmart and now I can’t decide which Kmart I want to buy.
*walks outside*
Its real quiet.. Almost too quiet.
*looks around*
*lights BBQ*
*1000 Dads emerge from nowhere giving generic BBQ advice*
me: [holding my cat like a baby] the apocalypse is here
cat: [scratches me]
me: no. we must remain calm
The Real Housewives of Sesame Street
Just finished watching a movie, and I shall now begin my post-movie watching tradition of Googling who everyone in the cast is married to.
Why do people brag about having tall kids, like relax dude all you did was have sex
[flirting between USA and Canada]
Canadian: you’re my favourite.
American: no u.
Remember: no matter what anyone else thinks of you, it’s how you delude yourself that matters.
hi, how are you?
–yoda asking how high you are