At this point the only thing Lady Gaga could do that would shock me is to come out on stage wearing a sensible pantsuit from Talbots.
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i hate when my friend starts dating an idiot and i have to be like how could you bring this man into our lives
Whoever invented the spoon caused quite a stir.
One time I was trying to get a big game to run on an old computer but it didn’t have enough free memory so I compressed the hard drive, twice. That computer never worked again, in case you’re looking for an IT guy.
Me: I’d like to get this prescription filled
Pharmacist: This is a recipe for chicken marsala
Me: What time should I pick that up?
Roses are red, my real name is Dave. This poem makes no sense, microwave.
*Power goes out*
Wife: I can’t see!*Shoes light up*
Me: Ha! Whose shoes were “a waste of money” & “clearly meant for a large child” now?!
me: man, this is great! I only wish I’d taken up deadlifting sooner
Funeral Home Director: please leave.
The anxious urge to say “no worries either way” when you are actually worrying both ways plus a secret third way
I was helping my son with his homework and I told him that the language attorneys use with all that legal jargon was called ‘Courtugese’ and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
British parking sign:
———————————
Parking Mon-Fri
Saturday (except Sunday)
No return within 1 hour
2 hour max (bank holiday)
Not valid Fri-Mon
(Excludes Weekdays)
1 hour only
———————————
Eternal damnation for the sorry acquaintance who cons you into watching his favorite film and keeps looking to see if you’re reacting.
I don’t know if this is a good idea.
Narrator: He knew, in fact, it was an awful idea.
My mom is helping me hang a painting and we don’t have a hammer so she used my cast iron pan to whack the nail into the wall and I’m pretty sure my neighbors think someone’s murdering their husband. I’m not correcting them.
“It puts the lotion on its skin…”
— me buttering a baked potato
“How did your
*looks down at notes scribbled on hand*
favorite sports team do in their
*looks down again*
sporting contest today?”
[trying to make a new friend]
…so that’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to me, now you go
I feel lethargic today. Probably has nothing to do with the two thousand grams of white sugar consumed yesterday.
My uber driver asked me how my day was so I opened the door and quietly rolled into the road.
Told my 11 and 8 next time I take their electronics away I’d also be responding to all texts they receive.They’ve been well behaved since.
writing an email takes 5 hours. 4 hours and 55 minutes to avoid and stress and obsess about it and 5 minutes to write it
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this.
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
Just asked my husband if he wants to have sex. He said no and went back to his puzzle. Good to know I sill got “it”.
I got caught with my hand in cookie jar again.
I really need a better nickname for her.
My daughter wants to study burrowing rodents. I told her to gopher it.
The average person gains 4 pounds during the holidays. Once again, I’m above average.
A seven nation army could definitely hold me back.
Me: [dies in the living room]
Dad: He never liked following directions
My favorite body pillow is warm and fluffy and barks if anyone tries to touch me.
Me: my wife says I catastrophize everything
Therapist: *chuckling* how is she doing?
Me: I don’t know she hasn’t returned my texts for over five minutes I think she’s dead