@SoNotThePoint_ Since finding a huge spider in my slipper I now keep em on a chair cuz my little brain decided spiders don’t like chairs.
@MaidOfBeans At this point the only way a handsome man’s ever going to chase me through an airport is if I steal his bag off the carousel.
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@SoNotThePoint_ 
@mrtruthandsoul Nice try “Enjoy By” date on bag of broccoli, nice try.
@gtcolliins If a puppy stabbed me in the face and stole my car, I’d still be like, “aww.”
@whatsJo Don’t try to sell a membership to the president of the fan club.
@PretendMaker *into earpiece during date*
Ok now maintain eye contact
No not that kind of contact
Bro do not touch her eyes
Get your eye away from hers
@IGotsSmarts “Careful, there’s poop on the dance floor.” – how ballet was invented.
@UncleDuke1969 Me: You should cut your toenails.
Wife: Huh?
M: You’re scratching my leg.
W: I’m WAY on the other side of the bed!
M: That’s kinda my point.
@gingerbrigade1 Groundhogs around the world are sitting around complaining about Phil and how ‘he doesn’t deserve the fame for doing what ANY groundhog can do!’
@SkinnerSteven Whatever doesn’t kill you TRIED TO KILL YOU!
@Fred_Delicious I bet Lincoln is looking down like “dude, trust me, that is not a bad night in a theater”