At this point the only way a handsome man’s ever going to chase me through an airport is if I steal his bag off the carousel.
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This is the most 2017 thing I’ve ever seen.
CIA: So what did you call that new tracking software we put on everyone’s iPhone?
NSA: “U2’s New Album”
“Sandwich artist” is a bit pretentious sir when you’re actually a subcontractor.
If you have a horse and you didn’t name it Edgar Allan Pony, we can’t be friends.
If I pick up two cinder blocks and walk into the cold, cold Atlantic while we are talking please don’t take it personally
Doctor: I want you to take it easy on your joints from now on.
Me: ok
(later at home)
Me, talking to my blunt: I’m sorry I called you fat.
I told my wife Netflix is voice enabled and listening to her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the TV is maybe the greatest thing ever.
6: Can I have a baby sister?
Me *panicking*: Uh, well, the problem is that you can’t choose so the baby might be a boy.
6: Then can I have a turtle?
My parents and teachers said I could be anything I wanted but I’m 28 now and I’m still not a hot Asian girl named Bang Bang 🙁
FRIEND:
If you could be there for one moment in time that you’ve only read about in books, or seen in pictures, what would it be? I would have liked to be at the signing of the Declaration of Independence. How about you?ME:
Hold on, I’ll show you.
[Starts to open package of cheese]
[Hears kids running towards kitchen]
[Escapes with cheese to car]
[Drives 5 hours to hotel]
[Checks into room]
[Starts to open package of cheese]
My dog: HEEEY CHEEESE!!!
*looking at a picture* Wow, you have beautiful children!
Thank you, they came with the frame.
HER: *picking dandelion* blow this and make a wish
ME: *fully inserting into mouth* how do I know when it’s done *spitting out seeds* oh it’s done
There’s only two types of people in the world; people who think they can categorize everything, and people who are not morons.
Gf: We’re gonna be late for our dinner reservation
Me: Hang on, I’m right at the end of my book
Gf: FFS he’s there, behind that tree
Me: Waldo you rascal!
Her: I bet you forgot it.
Him: I have a photographic memory.
[shakes violently]Her: ?
Him: Sorry, it’s a Polaroid. Is it Becky?
Her: NO
Experts warn that theft in grocery stores is on the rise. Uhh ya, last time we checked charging $16 for a bag of brussels sprouts is robbery.
What if the alien abductions are all the same guy? The other grays hold a press conference and say “Oh, that’s just Kyle. He’s a jerk.”
My superpower is scattering dogs by singing at them.
Apparently it’s “not normal” to ask a guy his blood type or how healthy his organs are
[dog bites my arm off]
owner: lol don’t worry he’s just playing
The sign at the zoo said “Please Don’t Touch The Animals” so I put away the book of poetry I was reading to them.
boss: what are u doing
me: *pretends to read email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read email”
[Called daughter’s phone. Got voicemail greeting.]
IN THE EXACT VOICE OF DORA THE EXPLORER
11: Hola! Soy Dora! Can you. Find. The end button?
[Fitbit commercial with me]
BEFORE: lazy guy
AFTER: lazy guy who had $129
“Bob’s here”
Bob from work or Bob THE HARBINGER OF DEATH
*an icy wind blows as black clouds consume the sky*
“Bob from work”
*clouds recede*
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
The doctor asked if I was sexual active.
I shook my head and said “Not in front of the wife”.
Waiter: Fresh pepper, sir?
Me: Yes, please.
Pepper: Honey, I’m as single as a dollar and I’m not lookin’ for change.
“IS THERE A DOCTOR ON THE PLANE???”
[i stand up super fast & knock myself out on the luggage compartment, requiring another doctor]