Since finding a huge spider in my slipper I now keep em on a chair cuz my little brain decided spiders don’t like chairs.
At this point the only way a handsome man’s ever going to chase me through an airport is if I steal his bag off the carousel.
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Nice try “Enjoy By” date on bag of broccoli, nice try.
If a puppy stabbed me in the face and stole my car, I’d still be like, “aww.”
Don’t try to sell a membership to the president of the fan club.
*into earpiece during date*
Ok now maintain eye contact
No not that kind of contact
Bro do not touch her eyes
Get your eye away from hers
“Careful, there’s poop on the dance floor.” – how ballet was invented.
Me: You should cut your toenails.
M: You’re scratching my leg.
W: I’m WAY on the other side of the bed!
M: That’s kinda my point.
Groundhogs around the world are sitting around complaining about Phil and how ‘he doesn’t deserve the fame for doing what ANY groundhog can do!’
Whatever doesn’t kill you TRIED TO KILL YOU!
I bet Lincoln is looking down like “dude, trust me, that is not a bad night in a theater”