@MaidOfBeans

At this point the only way a handsome man’s ever going to chase me through an airport is if I steal his bag off the carousel.

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@SoNotThePoint_

Since finding a huge spider in my slipper I now keep em on a chair cuz my little brain decided spiders don’t like chairs.

@gtcolliins

If a puppy stabbed me in the face and stole my car, I’d still be like, “aww.”

@whatsJo

Don’t try to sell a membership to the president of the fan club.

@PretendMaker

*into earpiece during date*
Ok now maintain eye contact
No not that kind of contact
Bro do not touch her eyes
Get your eye away from hers

@IGotsSmarts

“Careful, there’s poop on the dance floor.” – how ballet was invented.

@UncleDuke1969

Me: You should cut your toenails.
Wife: Huh?
M: You’re scratching my leg.
W: I’m WAY on the other side of the bed!
M: That’s kinda my point.

@gingerbrigade1

Groundhogs around the world are sitting around complaining about Phil and how ‘he doesn’t deserve the fame for doing what ANY groundhog can do!’

@Fred_Delicious

I bet Lincoln is looking down like “dude, trust me, that is not a bad night in a theater”