At this point the only way a handsome man’s ever going to chase me through an airport is if I steal his bag off the carousel.

You Might Also Like


Since finding a huge spider in my slipper I now keep em on a chair cuz my little brain decided spiders don’t like chairs.


If a puppy stabbed me in the face and stole my car, I’d still be like, “aww.”


Don’t try to sell a membership to the president of the fan club.


*into earpiece during date*
Ok now maintain eye contact
No not that kind of contact
Bro do not touch her eyes
Get your eye away from hers


“Careful, there’s poop on the dance floor.” – how ballet was invented.


Me: You should cut your toenails.
Wife: Huh?
M: You’re scratching my leg.
W: I’m WAY on the other side of the bed!
M: That’s kinda my point.


Groundhogs around the world are sitting around complaining about Phil and how ‘he doesn’t deserve the fame for doing what ANY groundhog can do!’


I bet Lincoln is looking down like “dude, trust me, that is not a bad night in a theater”