At this stage, someone might be grateful if you TPed their house.
You Might Also Like
The most frustrating thing I’ve ever tried to do was throw away a trash can.
Someone just posted an article on Facebook and said “file this under sad.” WAS I SUPPOSED TO BE FILING EVERYTHING
*writing suicide letter
Goodbye cruel world. Your going to really miss me when I’m gone…
Cat: *you’re
Look 2020, I just think I should start seeing other years
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite Disney movie where the curse sounds amazing.
The setting my husband selects for our ceiling fan makes me think his end goal is to make me fly off the bed
“Never Gonna Give You Up” came on the radio & my 6yo confidently said, “I know who sings this!” Believing I had taught him well, my proud moment lasted 2 seconds until my son revealed his answer of Yung Gravy.
#Caturday
due to personal reasons i have decided to make even less sense to people who will never get me
I’m not like other girls. I have 1L of butter chicken sauce in my purse
so yesterday i gave my number to a cute guy in the dining hall… LMFAOOO
me: when… when… when!
life: *continues grating*
In the movie Titanic it always bugged me that she stayed on the raft when clearly she had more body fat for warmth.
If your girlfriend says “my pyramid is late…”
Know two things:
1. Your hearing is poor
2. That’s not your biggest problem right now
In the hierarchy of my office, I was Pam for so many years that it’s hard to accept that I am now firmly Phyllis even though she’s obviously the coolest
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
I never realized just how much of parenting is surreptitiously throwing away artwork.
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
lmao
Overheard at the hardware store today …
Clerk: This interior house paint dries in 3 to 4 hours.
Customer: How much longer will it take to dry in the dark?
The inventor of the Venn diagram has died. He touched many lives. Some more than others.
God: *inventing the elephant* let’s just move all the dials to maximum and see what happens
I hate it when I try to impress a date by taking her to a nice restaurant and she orders something that isn’t on my coupon.
Sundries sounds like something grandma would call scandalous underwear
[first day as a baker]
boss: WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT?
me: you said to make donuts
b: THAT’S NOT HOW WE MAKE THE HOLES!
m: oh… in that case you may want to avoid the cream-filled ones too
The faster the ponytail bounces the more purposeful the woman walking
Jokes on you, inflation, I’ll never stop buying peanut butter.
With sufficient velocity, any object can be an effective weapon. Unfortunately this kitten is not cooperating.
Pro tip: Doing the worm into your bosses office makes him forget what he wanted to yell at you about
📽️movie date🎞️