At this wedding, the DJ played The Black Eyed Peas, everyone left the dance floor. I like these people.
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*gets lockjaw when putting on eyeliner*
(Guy who was trapped in a well for 20 years standing in front of the Get Well Soon cards at the pharmacy, frowning)
I will NEVER make the same mistake twice … In a row. They’re in rotation.
If you’ve ever wondered if your drunk Uncle would make a good President you aren’t wondering anymore.
I woke up and put my glasses on and then started looking for my glasses so I’m guessing it’s Monday.
I hate to say “I told you so”, so Im going to sing it.
another day, another instance of me forgetting to turn off my recording after an interview and otter listening to me talk to my dog
Films whose titles give away the ending:
• Sole Survivor
• Drag Me To Hell
• Saving Private Ryan
• Death of a Salesman
• Bruce Willis is A Ghost
Yes, my teeth are dazzling, but, please, treat me no differently than you would the next demigod.
Just as a wedding ring tells others you’re married,
the mysterious brown stain on my shirt and rogue booger in my hair says “I’m a mom”.
My husband picks fights with me like he doesn’t even value half of all his assets.
Cleanliness is next to Godliness because this is a small library.
I hate when people refer to some tv shows or snacks as “guilty pleasures.” You shouldn’t feel guilty based on what you’re eating or watching. You should feel guilty all the time.
(to kid at lemonade stand) i ain’t buying shit until i find you on yelp
BY THIRTY FIVE YOU SHOULD HAVE SAVED HALF OF YOUR RETIREMENT WHICH IS EASY IF YOUR RETIREMENT PLAN IS TO WADE INTO THE SEA
I used to be a champion swimmer who beat every opponent. Then I was born.
Mario Bros. Plumbing ★☆☆☆☆ (69 Reviews)
Hired them to clear my drain, stomped my turtle to death and ran off with my girlfri….
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I wore a jumpsuit to work because the rage I feel every time I have to pee is a good motivator.
Doing the New York Times crossword puzzle in pen means you’re smart unless you’re doing it on an iPad.
Every time I have to get a new driver’s license it is impossible for me to achieve. I cannot collect four documents with my name on it. I simply cannot!!! I don’t know where any are. I will drive you over to my house and show you my stuff to prove I live there and can drive.
I’m so glad this hat comes with instructions
[After first teeth cleaning since lockdown]
Okay. Weigh me now
What they say: “Parenting is hard.”
What they mean: “You will do your very best to take care of your child, and they will do their very best to stop you from doing that.”
This is me 🤣🤣
Watching tv with 4 and now he knows the word crescent.
All I learned as a kid was how hard to hit a cat with a frying pan without killing it
Sloth is a deadly sin and an animal.
How come we don’t have animals named after the other deadly sins?
Back in my day the only time we started panic buying is when the bartender yelled out “last orders” and rang that little bell……
“If decorative towels can be a thing then decorative grills can be a thing”
~Me buying a cool looking copper charcoal grill that I don’t really need.
What if your girlfriend had a British accent but not the good one, the Jack the Ripper one
Stop me if you’ve heard this one
Daddy I’m full
Ok, but the kitchen is closed for the night
(after cleaning up dinner)
Daddy I’m hungry