At times like this, I ask myself “what would Jesus do?” and then I hide in a cave for three days
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A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
Have kids they said, they definitely won’t lose your right AirPod in the yard and run it over with the lawn mower they said.
them: I’LL SEE YOU IN COURT
me: *breaking their glasses* no you won’t
Stop paying your bills and you’ll get the customer service you’re looking for.
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because for a few miles they believed you were the real bus driver.
I don’t care how much you pay for sushi- you are getting a raw deal.
Me, bewildered: “What is this odd thingy?”
H: It’s called a wine stopper.
Me, whisper cries: “Why would anyone want to stop the wine?”
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: wow that was really fast
I’m fckn weak!!!!!! 💀
being a parent can be really hard but one day your kid will do something simple like bring you breakfast in bed and in that moment you’ll know in your heart that you have to go and clean the kitchen
“Press the cube root of the 11th digit of pi divided by .5 and doubled if you’d like to speak with a customer service representative.”
I gently knocked a beetle off my lampshade to catch and release, it landed in my water which I poured into the sink to save it from drowning, and it ended up going down the drain. This is 2020.
[storming out of the bedroom in a novelty banana costume] YOU’RE THE ONE THAT SAID THINGS WERE GETTING TOO PREDICTABLE KAREN…
The first time God made the universe, he skipped leg day. All men were weeping creatures, who ended in bloody torsos and begged for death.
“We’re a completely paperless office.”
Wow, that’s really cool.
[Later, staring at iPad dispenser in bathroom]
Well this sucks.
When parallel parking, I turn down the radio so I can hear the sound of my car crunching the other car’s bumper.
Give it to me straight
“I’d really like to have sex with you-”
Now give it to me gay
“-r boyfriend.”
Why is it called a phobia-induced breakdown and not tears for fears?
I think my dog just OD’d on lightening bugs. I didn’t even know that was a thing. Please teach your pets about bug addiction
A fun thing to do would be to eat rat poison during a dinner party & then, when you die, they’ll blame the host’s cooking. Lol.
[movie theater]
Her: *Hands me popcorn bag* Can you put this down?
Me: *grabs bag* You stupid, overpriced, salty piece of shit!
I literally have no idea what my friends had for lunch today.
A dad and his duck
back in the 80’s, we simply didn’t have the dog technology we do today
Are people who write “prolly” rather than “probably” just lazy, completely illiterate, or do they actually think that’s a word?
kid: *reading ouija board* she says you should vacuum
mom: who?
kid: grandma. she’s coming back
mom: honey grandma died years ago
[urn falls off mantle]
mom: get the—
kid: —vacuum?
friend: [texting] i’m gonna be late
me: *1 week later* for what?
Get a dog they said …they never said anything about never ever being able to eat in peace ever again.
Dr. Seuss would have CRUSHED it on 8 Mile.