[at ultrasound]
Dr [preparing gloves]: are you allergic to latex?
Me: yeah that’s why we’re here
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My 12yo threatened to defenestrate me and I told him he’s ‘maybe in so much trouble’ and to ‘hold it right there mister’ while I Googled. Like a boss.
Horoscopes signs should sound cool like asparagus, chevrolet and Dan
I used to make fun of my kid for watching Call of Duty tournaments until he actually won a burrito from Chipotle. He went buck wild and ordered a lot. So I’m tweeting this with my mouth full of chips and queso.
“Ok so I managed to squeeze everything into two separate boxes for you. This one has the ribs in it.”
–a nice waiter or a bad mortician
Got Christmas card glitter all over me and now I can’t stop stripping.
I want to get a welcome mat for my front door that just says “Text Me”
shark tooth fairy: *throwing fins up in the air* I quit
ME: I found my old playstation2 in the garage. we can just wire it up to the PS3 and boom, PS5
12YO: that’s not how it works
ME: okay, smart guy. which one of us had a D in math?
12YO: both?
Oh, you hate leftovers? Maybe you should’ve thought of that last night when I cooked a big meal and you were “not that hungry.”
Everyone’s a badass until Mufasa dies.
That awkward moment when you look over to give another driver a condescending look criticizing their driving and you nearly wreck and die.
Me in my 20’s: what’s a hangover?
Me in my 40’s: it was 1 drink, 3 weeks ago, when will this end?
SPONSORED POST: Tide Pods. Remember when we seemed like a big problem?
“Microsoft Word? I haven’t heard that name in years…”
My current wife doesn’t like when I call her that
Why does laundry happen to good people?
I asked my mom what she wanted today and she said “she just wanted me to be happy,” so I’m on ecstasy petting a dolphin right now.
me at age 5: if I get a million dollars ill buy a yacht and 14 trampolines
me at age 25: if I get a million dollars ill go to the dentist and pay for express shipping on stuff
I’m not seeing “cat herder” on any of these job websites.
The 9-year-old in me thinks life is all about fun. But then I think, how long is it gonna take to digest this kid? I’m a huge python, btw.
Police Sketch Artist: We need to get his face out there ASAP. I’m going to need you to describe him to me.
Me: He looked like the type of person who wouldn’t be ashamed to ride a tricycle in public.
Police Sketch Artist: *pencil poised* Um…
Me: That’s all I got my man.
car salesman: and I’m 95% sure no one has died in the trunk hahaha
me: ok phew haha
*muffled screaming*
car salesman: 100%
When I was a kid I had to say “yes, sir” and “no, sir.” My son just threatened to call 911 because I’m making him eat a hotdog.
Wordle 241 1/6
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Finally figured out how to correctly play this game!
No member of any family has the same interpretation of the sentence “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
At least something in this house will finally get stuffed tomorrow.
I’ve just got a job making plastic Draculas.
There are only 2 of us on the production line, so I have to make every second Count.
instagram always coming through for me with ads for things i want, and can afford, and can convert into a device for time travel
Another previously unknown dinosaur was the Thesaurus who used flowery language to confuse and disorient predators while he made his escape
I have bad fight or flight instincts. Guy wants a fight in an elevator, I try to run. Truck heading straight at me 45 mph, let’s do this bro