[at ultrasound]
Nurse: there it is. There’s your baby
Me visibly relieved: oh Jesus thank u
Wife whispering to nurse: he thought it was bees
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Running after, screaming for my baby, as the jar of mayo rolls under the counter
The most unbelievable thing about Die Hard is that the office Christmas Party is happening on Christmas Eve.
Does anything good ever escape from a lab
lightly toasted and extra crispy 🍞
Me: Where are the kids?
Wife: Mom’s
Me: *getting excited* Really?! Are you thinking what I’m thinking?
W: Almost certainly not
[Whole Foods]
ME: Where are all the donuts?
CASHIER: We uh…we don’t sell donuts
ME: Well what other hole foods are there?!
whatcha thinkin bout
I don’t share cheese on the first date.
I hate everything
Placing quotations in “different spots” really give others the “false idea,” especially when I’m talking about their “wife.”
age 20: I was in a car accident, my ride is totaled. I won’t be into work until after lunch
age 40: I did something to my back brushing my teeth, I need to lie down for 3 weeks
the only thing getting in the way of my diet is food
If you want to know what cereal you don’t have ask one of the kids what they want for breakfast.
Asking your mom, “Will there be any pretty girls coming?”
Is a good way of getting out of going to your family reunion..
[first date]
Her: I want a man who’s not afraid to say what’s on his mind.
Me: What happened to your eyebrows?
Her: Not like that.
I’m awfully single for someone who lost their virginity 7 times in high school
“Why you watching this shit?”
WHY *smack* DON’T *smack* YOU *smack* JUST *smack* USE *smack* THE *smack* RETWEET *smack* BUTTON?
It’s not ‘easter’, it’s ‘more east’. So stupid.
I went to confession and the priest said, “pics or it didn’t happen.”
McDonald’s burgers always look so great in their commercials but when you actually order one it always looks like its been sat on.
If you are interested in me, now is the time to shoot your shot. My standards are incredibly low.
You don’t know your own leg strength until you’re kicking the end of a Hotel tucked bed sheet
We’re only a few years away from being arrested for crimes we haven’t yet committed based solely on an analysis of our Google search history.
Or at least I am.
*Ancient Egypt*
Me: My abacus won’t work
IT: Hit giant eye + guy holding snakes + big ass bird
Me: Nothing
IT: Okay, reset *shuffles abacus*
“and that’s why you should always put your stuff away” I lecture my kid as we search for the missing candy I ate while she was sleeping
Just ate a cheap foil-covered Easter egg & it was so disgusting, I ate 9 more to ensure my initial assessment was correct. I concur with me.
spider: I need 4 pairs of pants
assistant: might I suggest, instead of pants, a dress
spider: I’ll give it a try
[later]
spider: *twirling in a billowy dress* I feel fantasticassistant: very attractive, sir
*fooling around with husband*
Husband: Is that a piece of cheese in your bra?
Me: If you wanted any, you should have brought your own snacks!
I don’t trust kids as far as I can throw them. Currently my record for trusting a kid is 6 feet 11-1/4 inches.