[at urinal in restaurant bathroom]
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Do you come here often?
Me: No
Him: …
Me: I go into the stall for that
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ME: I wish all of my enemies would randomly feel a crunch when they’re eating something definitely not crunchy
SATAN: holy shit
Being in my twenties in the seventies was a lot better than being in my seventies in the twenties.
Girls be like: I love a man in uniform.
Me: First of all that’s an inmate.
7 years ago today I swallowed gum….. and now we wait
No one said life would be easy, but a heads-up on the number of idiots out there would’ve been nice.
The length of time toddlers stare at each other on the playground would get you stabbed if you did that shit as an adult.
Message from the dog groomers
I’m not making that mistake again.
Gin: Wrong.
crazy how many people don’t know they’re in a polyamorous relationship.
A cannibal passes a Girl Scout cookie stand. “How many girl scouts are these cookies made of?” he asks with a large smile on his face.
I always eat cake like I’m about to be caught.
Oh, you’re a parent? Then how many times have you moved a cup back from the edge of the table this week?
My attempts to purge my possessions always seem to result in me rediscovering that I have lots of nice things, after which I lie happily on my hoard like a dragon
Cutting your own hair is a great thing to do in lockdown, because it can be fun and creative, it saves you money, and it ensures you definitely won’t want to leave the house for several weeks.
If your drug dealer is on time, he’s a cop.
the worst part of facing the final boss in any video game is when he makes you fill out the self-evaluation portion of your performance review beforehand
I wish I was as committed to anything the way infomercial actors are committed to over dramatizing their reaction to household chores.
People should be teaching kids to spell by changing the wifi password every week to something increasingly complicated
Looks like someone’s been slipping steroids into Garfield’s lasagna again.
Me: I just played the “poop in a bag” trick on our neighbor
Wife: Haha! Where’d you find the dog poop?
Me: …dog?
Want to talk trash? Recycle.
crush: i really like music
me: *gets jealous of music and rips off crushes ears*
any site can be a dating site if you use it incorrectly
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
“Let me be clear” the sliding glass door said as I face planted it.
Already cringing thinking of the number of holiday cards that will be sent this year of families wearing coordinated facial masks.
Everyone was naming their favourite French movie and I couldn’t think of one so I just said “Ze Hurt Lockair”.
If you’re not part of the solution, you must be on Twitter
I had a rough childhood. I saw things that no one should ever have to see. For example, The Phantom Menace.
If it wasn’t for the 140 character limit, I’d be on Chapter 27 of my first tweet right now.