@squirrel74wkgn

[at urinal in restaurant bathroom]

Him: …
Me: …
Him: Do you come here often?
Me: No
Him: …
Me: I go into the stall for that

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@fightgeek

cashier: have a nice day

me: i got other plans, buddy

@onion_an

Me: My dog has gone missing

Dog pound: What colour is it?

Me: Brown

Dog pound: Sex?

Me [turns to wife]: Has the dog lost his virginity?

@alisontheread

Secretly Canadians love it when people mistake them for Amer-
*is decapitated by a hockey stick*

@IchBins_SN

Joined a street protest.

Suddenly a shot, panic and everybody started running.

3 hours and a gold medal later I realised it was a marathon

@YSylon

The Batcave was 14 miles outside of Gotham City. Close enough for Batman to fight crime, far enough away for Bruce Wayne to avoid ridiculous tax rates.

@sannewman

One good thing about astrology, I can tweet something mean about astrology and astrology Twitter is cool with it. Like I can say, “Cut it out, astrology, you’re embarrassing the planets,” and it gets retweeted 10,000 times, and astrology Twitter is just like: “Are you a Scorpio?”

@Fulkery1

When I am really mad, I pronounce your name as frenchly as possible.

@GoldenSpirals

Why do they call it a “shit-eating grin”? I don’t think I’d be smiling if I was eating shit.

@notmythirdrodeo

You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”

@knot_eye

*hurls Scrabble board at you*

[uses your words against you]