@Playing_Dad

[At vet]
Me: My dog has been throwing up what looks like egg shells.
Vet: What have you been feeding him?
Me: Egg shells.

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@permawedgie

Pro tip: Instead of having kids, just adopt a couple raccoons. They’ll trash your house too, but at least they can feed themselves.

@JasonBanksComic

One of my exes left me bcuz, according to her, I’ll never amount to anything. 15 years later & let me just say this… Lucky guess.

@estjaziah

how do they know an animal is extinct like??? u looked everywhere????

@TheBoydP

*Goes to work*

*Punches clock*

*Gets fired for breaking clock*

@wildrainbow2

Me: Just because you don’t have school doesn’t mean you can go without pants.

5yo: I’m just gonna wear these invisible pants.

@KentWGraham

Who decided that the abbreviation for pound should be two letters it doesn’t contain?

@fro_vo

ME: how did you get disbarred
ATTORNEY: i gave kittens to all the jurors
ME: *gasps* you mean
ATTORNEY: that’s right, i *adjusts sunglasses* committed purr jury

@GrantTanaka

me: ah shit, 4 missed calls from my mom…[stares at door]
[FBI agents kick in door] WHY DO U EVEN HAVE A CELL PHONE IF U NEVER ANSWER IT

@ljusfen

[raises eyebrow]
[watches eyebrow graduate]
[cries at eyebrow’s wedding]

@SamanthaaaReece

Me: today I’m not apologizing for ANYTHING!!!!!!
*almost steps on pigeon*
Me: omg sorry sorry sorry