[At vet]
Me: My dog has been throwing up what looks like egg shells.
Vet: What have you been feeding him?
Me: Egg shells.
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Posh sugar daddies are called fructose fathers
Pharmaceutical ads really be like “HEY is your doctor an IDIOT? suggest this drug to them bc they’re probably so DUMB they haven’t even THOUGHT of it YET”
I’m OK with people clapping when the plane lands IF they boo when it crashes
Slugs are obviously snails that have been through a divorce.
[me at the end of any horror movie] How do they explain all of this to the authorities?
Just once, I’d like to see a cactus that isn’t flexing.
Not sure why my doctor prescribed LSD for a case of constipation…until I saw those dragons and totally shit my pants.
When hipsters replaced hippies, we lost free love and drugs and got skinny jeans. Worst. Trade. Ever.
“It wasn’t such a GOOD FRIDAY for Jesus, if you think about it.” -Every youth pastor today.
I hate it when baby boomers are like “your generation is too sensitive!”. Like ok, Gail, I’m not the one writing 8 paragraph Yelp reviews because the restaurant was painted a color you didn’t like.
(mcdonalds drive thru employee hands me bag) wow that was fast. you must’ve made this before
Cinderella taught me that everything will work out just fine so long as you have unconscionably small feet.
[holding the door open for a pretty woman]
Her: *smiling* Thank you, gallant sir
Me: *blushing* I aim to please
Wife: *withering* Honey, we’ve shared a bathroom for 18 years, he aims for the floor
M: I despise you
all these baby pumpkins drained of their spice and discarded behind a Starbucks
Me: I’ve got distressed genes.
Friend: Don’t you mean distressed jeans.
M: Have you met my family?
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
Paranormal activity camera 3:33am…
Only catches me eating a chicken leg while doing the robot in my underwear.
“You’re saying it’s all an act?
Chewbacca: Indubitably, my good man.
Why does the crematorium sound so delicious?
My life is like that Rihanna song :work, work and work, and then I don’t understand anything else.
I was told flattery would get you everywhere but the bank manager in charge of this vault does not agree.
I’m not the kind of man who runs after women…….
But, I can walk.
Friend: There are plenty of fish in the sea
Fish in the sea:
I keep getting a message that “Twitter is having issues”
Good job guys…we drove twitter crazy!
my friend got banned from this bar so she waited like a year and started going back everyday like nothing happened and the other day the bar tender looked at her and was like “you look so much like this crazy girl we had to ban a while back”
This burned out sign has given me the permission I need to take care of my neighborhood grocer once and for all
The only thing I miss about eating meat is the enticing stickers on the packages. I want an avocado labeled “choice cut” or some prime tofu.
me: that guy is half drunk
Dracula: I was full. I couldn’t finish drinking him
Sorry I was gone for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch to just one video.
Today at work a lady brought in a gift bag for the doctor, being he wasn’t there at the time, I just put it on his desk. It was a stool sample.