*at Wal-Mart*
Husband: A couple is fighting on the cereal aisle
Me: It’s not us this time
*we fist bump*
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normalize answering the phone saying, “I’M DOING THE BEST I CAN, CAPTAIN”
Me: can I see the dessert menu please?
Waiter: No. Not before you finish your vegetables.~family owned restaurants.
Motherhood is full of surprises but the biggest surprise is when I take my bra off at night and random things I hid from my kids come tumbling out.
*turns on ceiling fan*
Oh shit my stamp collection
[Girl over my house]
“My ex boyfriend had this weird one-man-band thing. You dont, right?”
[Unclipping my harmonica holder]
Def not.
Actually, you don’t need to buy a woman a whole bouquet of kittens. A lot of the time a single long stem kitten is all she really wants.
Computer: shutting down
Me: same
To see if my husband uses his shopping list, I used book titles instead food items. So we are either having Grapes or Wrath or bagel bites for dinner.
I was on my couch and my 5YO came up and put his arms around my waist. I was smiling like a fool until I realized he was looking for the remote control I was sitting on.
Finally all the people in the White House are being polite. They are all running around saying “pardon me.”
New menu item
*Looks left*
*Looks right*
*Crosses road*
*Gets run over by chicken*
People who aren’t entombed in 8 feet of snow, what’s it like to live in a tropical paradise?
Once my wife asked me to tell her a story that would put her asleep, so I said “let’s talk about the history of operating systems.”
The exasperated gasp and nearly audible eye-roll told me I was on the right track! 😜
Two raccoons reach into a moonlit bag of trash. A moment! Their paws meet. They lock eyes. They hiss and scratch the shit out of each other.
Fancy dinner party invitation didn’t explicitly say NOT to wear Spider-Man costume, sheesh, everybody relax FFS
JUDGE: I may send u to jail. But if u act less condescending, I’ll let u go free
ME [waving goodbye to my family] u mean condescendingLY
“We want to take our engagement photos here at the library.”
“That’s fun. Are there parts of the library that are especially meaningful to you?”
“Not really, we never use the library.”
“Then why take your pictures here?”
“We want people to think we’re people who use the library.”
Telling my toddler not to chase the cat around with her nunchucks is easily the coolest thing I’ve ever said as a dad or a human.
Queen: I have just born two twin boys. Which one will end up taking the throne?
Advisor: let me take their temperature
Queen: ?
Advisor: ah, this one is running a fever. He shall be king
Queen: how do you know?
Advisor: everyone knows warm heir rises
My 1 year old kept saying “I lug ya” and I was so excited until I realized he was trying to say “alexa” not “I love you”
Me having to explain to another kid’s dad why he can’t come to my kid’s birthday party
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
House arrest? Your Honor, if anyone is going to be punished here it should be me. My house has done nothing wrong.
If you’re looking for someone to mute the National Geographics channel and narrate the animals thoughts, look no further.
I found the perfect sign for my ‘horse haters’ club
Incense sticks are just disappointing sparklers.
The best way to let someone know you hate them is to ask them to be in a wedding
*Magneto flapping his wrist frantically, trying to shake loose a fork stuck to his hand*