[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
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“Valentine’s Day is overrated and presents aren’t necessary to show love”
– *people who don’t get anything for Valentine’s Day
*me
Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub.
There’s liquor and you can’t hear them.
Both of my boys are away at college, leaving me alone to defend the thermostat against my wife and daughters.
“I chose you yesterday, I choose you today, and I will choose you tomorrow.”
– Me, to my coffee
Really successful people don’t sleep much. I don’t know why I don’t sleep much.
I do really good on my diet for like 8 or 9 hours, and then I wake up.
Yeah but the way I see it is, I have the rest of my life to exercise but this 350 pack of Oreos from Costco expires in December of 2017.
the “b” and “d” in “backward” are really just there as an example
“What’s the worst thing that could happen?” isn’t supposed to be a challenge.
I preface this by stating that I love my local library but, seriously, how difficult would it be for them to add a bar? Nothing fancy – just a few spirits, domestic beer. But oh no, apparently there are ‘other places’ better suited to accommodate such things!
Airbags should deploy in the form of balloon animals. Sure, you’ve been in an accident, but now you have a whimsical puppy dog.
People that say, “If you already have a couple of kids, what’s a couple more?” have obviously never had four kids.
I forgot why I was retracing my steps so I gave up and re-retraced them back to bed.
Both my kids start crying the second they wake up. They must get that from me.
I saw an attractive woman spank her kid in McDonalds after he threw his fries on the ground, so I also threw mine on the ground.
“I hope this makes them name a radioactive turtle after me” Michelangelo thought as he painted the Sistine Chapel “that would be hella rad”
HER: I wanna be your everything.
ME: That’s great, cause I need a therapist.
HER: No, not like-
ME: So doc *lays on couch* I feel like my girlfriend’s moving too fast.
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
what happens if the bachelor chooses to love himself
Me: Watcha got there?
8: Lemonade.
Me: What kind?
8: Mike’s
Me: Nooooooo
[Wedding Day]
FIANCÉE: omg it’s today!
ME: it’s always today, janet
Coworker – Have you ever gotten Covid?
Me – Does my gut look like I’ve ever lost the sense of taste or smell?
no one:
coworker at a part time job you’ve known for one calendar day: so remember when I told you about that guy I’ve been texting Brian well anyway I hooked up with his roommate just to see what he’d do and lemme just read you this text I got from him just now ok so he goes,
Wife: *spreads picnic beneath large oak tree*
Me: No good
Wife: Why not?
Me: Seems shady
Wife: *attacks me with plastic cutlery*
Libra: Many good things are in store for you! Unfortunately, the store is closed for repairs.
You don’t scare me. You’re not an omelette I’m about to flip.
[first date]
Him: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a meteorologist.
Him: Cool. I love meat.
Waiter: How did you find your meal, sir?
Me: Yeah, it was nice.
Waiter: That’s not what I meant and you know it.
Me: Another waiter told me where you hid it.
Nothing puts me in touch with my mortality like stepping onto a downward escalator.
Reports say 3 billion Yahoo accounts were hacked and suddenly 3 billion people remembered they had yahoo accounts.