[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
You Might Also Like
Went a little too hard on leg day at the gym and the next day I couldn’t walk.
Naturally, I lied and told my friends that I met someone…
My teen doesn’t like how her sister cleaned the bathroom and told her to do it again, so I’m like who died and made you boss?
– How was school?
4: Trenton said his dad likes to go outside and fight lions
– laughs
– oh honey– nobody would name their kid Trenton
[doing a sexy skype chat]
GF: show me urs & I’ll show u mine
ME: mmm baby I can’t wait
*we both lower our cams to show each other our dogs*
Hi 911, I’d like to report a drunk naked guy blasting off truck nuts w/ a shotgun. Time of incident? [takes drink] In about 20 minutes lol
ME: (before I bought a fanny pack) I wish I had something to carry this baby
ME: (after I bought a fanny pack) the baby doesn’t fit in here
sure, sex is good…but have you ever made a really efficient spreadsheet?
My wife is mad at me because I gave up looking for one particular black sock in a basket full of socks and after having pulled 7 different black socks out I quit.
This dude winked at me in the market so when he wasn’t looking I put a bunch of douches in his cart
“I found my charger!!”
– a love story
Worst part of being an idiot is always forgetting it. If I was a smart person, I’d remember I was an idiot from the start and plan around it
Writing a work email:
“…I have an unexpected conflict…”My autocorrect:
“…I have an unexpected condom…”
The Joker did a lot of horrific things but the thing I objected to the most was him bringing a date to his open mic.
My resume is really just a list of things I never want to do again.
I be hella fake at work using words I never use in my real life like “awesome”
Me: Says here you’re a house flipper. So you renovate and resell them, huh?
A tornado: ≋N≋o≋
Questions for people who eat Wheat Thins: Have you ever accidentally eaten part of the box? How can you be sure?
Brouhaha (noun): the feeling of joy upon discovering someone has made you a cup of tea.
me: hey watch out for the poison ivy
friend: *recoiling* you should really think about cleaning out your car
Ruin a Tolstoy novel by changing 587287 words
“Call your mother and tell her what you REALLY think!
~Vodka
Can everyone please turn their A/C off during the day we need that power to generate images of people with eight fingers.
At this point in my life, the little angel on my shoulder just says “Oh this is gonna be good…” and starts munching popcorn.
The guy that said laughter is the best medicine obviously wasn’t suffering from diarrhea
absolutely no one knows the words of “who let the dogs out” apart from the “who let the dogs out” bit
applying for a new job
