[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
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Husband: We’re invited to a dinner party
Me: Did Agatha Christie teach us nothing??
This weekend I lost an hour to daylight saving time and another hour stuck behind a person at the ATM who was apparently transferring funds to a Swiss bank account, refinancing their mortgage, and making 12 withdraws from 12 different accounts.
Dear People who like me,
I appreciate every single two of you.
Sunday
My kid found my ice cream stash and now I have to eat it all tonight so I don’t have to share it tomorrow – parenting is tough and not for everyone
My daughter was ‘graded’ 7/10 and 14/10 in her homework (just to color some objects) last week and 2weeks ago so I wrote in her correspondence book that 14/10 was an error.
School replied “Tara’s Mum, those were dates. We do not grade toddlers.”
I am embarrassed for myself.
TENNIS BOYFRIEND: You deserve love
TENNIS GIRLFRIEND: That’s so mean
If all the good ones are taken and you are single, what does that make you?
The way my reading glasses fog up as I drain the spaghetti water into a colander over the sink…is this passion? I feel like this is passion
Do not drink and drive..
because there are people out there who text and drive…
and they will hit you and it will be your fault !!
I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion and also I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion.
Sure laying me down on a “Bed of Roses” sounds all romantic and shit, but I much rather lay on a bed of fries and onion rings.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but by September you should already have your letter to Santa drafted.
You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.
Are people with googly eyes better at searching for stuff?
[reaches into pocket for car keys]
Hand: I got nothing
Brain: they only ever go in that pocket
Hand: well I’m here & they’re not so
Brain: so we’re walking cos I put them in there & if they’re not there then they’re lost
Other hand: holy shit you guys are not gonna believe this
My weapon of choice is a loaded vocabulary.
[whispering to beached whale] Do you come here often?
therapist: so, how are you feeling?
me: i’m feeling ok
therapist: great! let’s ruin that feeling by unearthing some childhood trauma
ALEX TREBEK: well that’s important work you’re doing; the orphanage probably loves you
CONTESTANT: thank you
ME, SWEATING:
TREBEK: Matt, from new york, it says here you once got your hand stuck in a sink, tell us about that
More people would get the booster if it came with fries.
And they lived apathetically ever after.
My wife didn’t order anything from Amazon yesterday so the UPS guy knocked on our door to see if we’re okay.
The worst thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
The best thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
I’m not saying I was a gullible child but my sister once gave me a pair of scissors and said our grandma needed me to trim the carpet in her bedroom.
*walks around revolving door for 3 hours while staring down at phone*
It would be awesome if the Joker movie ended with Batman yelling “Oh HELL no” off camera and swooping in and just beating the absolute shit out of him.”
One time my kid sassed at me with a raised voice and quickly apologized saying, “Sorry I have Voice Immodulation Disorder.”
Then we laughed and laughed and anyway, how many months is enough time-out?
Me when I’m high: I’ll take seven burritos.
Me when I’m not high: I’ll take seven burritos.
Me: In closing, your honour, you put the gem in judgement. *winks*
Judge: *blushing and smiling* What, no I don’t. Stop it.