@slimmy_shady

At Walmart checkout other day:Cashier: “you have a dog?” Scanning dog food.Hubz: No, our kid needs the protein.

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@LaLuchaNix

Me:*looks up from phone*
Okay, it was Mr. Plum in the ballroom with the wrench.

Family:

M:

Mom: We stopped playing that game 5 hours ago.

@TheFakeCNN

Report: Scientist walks in on climate changing, awkwardness ensues

@iwearaonesie

wife [talking to her pregnant friend] No matter how old they get you always have to remind them to do the dumbest things
me *walks out of the bathroom*
wife: Did you wash your hands?
me *goes back in the bathroom*

@jordan_stratton

Doctor: “We got your test results back. I’m so sorry–it’s Curiosity.”

Cat: “Oh my god…”

@LittleHarmonica

Men always say they like strong, smart women until you argue with them. And then they’re all like: You talk too much….and I want my Mommy.

@SondraDeeMe

I was told my $750 iPhone would improve the quality of my phone calls, but my family keeps calling telling me the same shit.

@ColoradoUgly

Lifeguards should focus more on water safety and less on me laying eggs in the sand.

@Shade510

Got dragged to a Sarah McLachlan concert…came home with 7 dogs, 3 cats and a ferret.

@BrdnHatesYou

A 12 year old posts a selfie, 37 RTs and 1013 likes.
I post a selfie, I lose 18 followers and my family disowns me.