At Walmart checkout other day:Cashier: “you have a dog?” Scanning dog food.Hubz: No, our kid needs the protein.
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Sometimes my southern accent sneaks out. Like just today I meant to say “You all” and instead I had sex with my cousin.
kinda rude that my bank told me how much money i spent on food this month. what if i didn’t want to know that
HONEY I ACCIDENTALLY FILLED THE BABY’S BOTTLE WITH RED BULL
Oh god, is he sick
HE’S GOT ME IN A HEAD LOCK AND IS SAYING I’M A NERD. CALL 911
This makes total sense…
I’m stunned that some of you watch the news, like on purpose.
Doctor: I’m afraid you have high blood pressure. I suggest cutting back on your sodium intake.
Me [sipping ramen broth out of a Starbucks cup]: Okay, explain to me what sodium is again.
*learning CPR*
CPR dummy: I have a boyfriend.
My nephew found a cassette tape in my house. It was like watching early man discover fire.
Inside you there are two Durans. Both are hungry like the wolf.
5 is threatening Siri that he’s gonna turn off the iPad bc she’s not doing what he wants
*yells up to treehouse*
me: what are you girls doin?
them: *yells back* chattin and braidin!
me: *climbing up* WAIT ARE THOSE BOY’S NAMES, I DON’T KNOW ANYMORE
What do you get if you cross an angry sheep and a angry cow?
You get two animals in a baaaaaaaad moooooooood
Her: I’ll bring the wine, you bring the sandwiches. Any kind.
[later]
Her: Umm, why is the picnic basket dripping?
My: Oh no, my ice cream sandwiches!
forrest gump (1994): this film gave me very unrealistic expectations of what my life would be like as a huge idiot. 2/10
6: Dad, why do you have so many nicknames for me?
*I break down, no longer able to cover up that I can’t remember my son’s name
Hey I know I said never to text me again and I hope you die, but do you remember the name of that movie where the one sister is murdered and the other takes on her identity?
Why procrastinate today when you can procrastinate tomorrow?
Snake: Oh shit it’s a wolf we gotta run
Armadillo: Go on without me
Snake: no just-
Armadillo: @
Snake: Wait where the hell are you
Armadillo: @
Me: I’ll give you a Wednesday for two Mondays
Stock Broker: that’s not how day trading works
So many people say “if my memory serves me correctly” and I’m actually quite shocked at the amount of servants named Memory…….
I’ve worked at my job for 7 years & my boss still hasn’t noticed that I only give Magic 8-Ball responses to all of his questions.
My kids just deliberated over which pumpkins to pick at the patch for longer than I deliberated whether to get pregnant with them.
For once I would like to get through an entire work day without my boss waking me up.
Cats do not subscribe to the laws of physics.
Have girl problem? Feel bad for you son. I live in Russia. Have 99 problems. Bear ate car. Wife ate bear. Son ate wife. I eat son now?
Prevent future fights among your children by not owning any nice things.
The letter n always has to be the centre of attention.
Every time I see someone getting a mud bath I assume they’re hiding from The Predator.
I ate 2 Three Musketeers candy bars. That’s SIX musketeers. Which is 5 musketeers too many.
When my date called himself the boogie man I was afraid we’d spent hours in a noisy club. Imagine my relief when we spent hours just randomly grabbing uncovered ankles from underneath beds.