@LaLuchaNix Me:*looks up from phone*
Okay, it was Mr. Plum in the ballroom with the wrench.Family:
M:
Mom: We stopped playing that game 5 hours ago.
@slimmy_shady At Walmart checkout other day:Cashier: “you have a dog?” Scanning dog food.Hubz: No, our kid needs the protein.
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@LaLuchaNix 
@TheFakeCNN Report: Scientist walks in on climate changing, awkwardness ensues
@envydatropic *Draws happy eyebrows on my dog*
@iwearaonesie wife [talking to her pregnant friend] No matter how old they get you always have to remind them to do the dumbest things
me *walks out of the bathroom*
wife: Did you wash your hands?
me *goes back in the bathroom*
@jordan_stratton Doctor: “We got your test results back. I’m so sorry–it’s Curiosity.”
Cat: “Oh my god…”
@LittleHarmonica Men always say they like strong, smart women until you argue with them. And then they’re all like: You talk too much….and I want my Mommy.
@SondraDeeMe I was told my $750 iPhone would improve the quality of my phone calls, but my family keeps calling telling me the same shit.
@ColoradoUgly Lifeguards should focus more on water safety and less on me laying eggs in the sand.
@Shade510 Got dragged to a Sarah McLachlan concert…came home with 7 dogs, 3 cats and a ferret.
@BrdnHatesYou A 12 year old posts a selfie, 37 RTs and 1013 likes.
I post a selfie, I lose 18 followers and my family disowns me.