At Walmart with a box of condoms and a Barbie play set, now I need to pick the right cashier to ensure maximum awkwardness for us both.
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do you know who else makes a Big Mac using all 54 ingredients so I don’t have to
What’s it called when you wake up and have to delete 73% of your tweets from last night. Alcohol, it’s called alcohol.
it is my belief that rhinos and hippos are husband and wife
me: truth or dare
government: truth
me: is Wyoming real
government: dare
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage and understand how it works?
Me (imagining bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
mayor, handing me tissues: you do understand what a “town crier” is, yes?
It’s the best dill pickle ever, but the restaurant won’t tell me what kind it is. To what lengths will I go to find out? None.
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”~History
My husband accidentally woke me at 5am while getting ready for his morning run. Exercise doesn’t just hurt you, it hurts the ones closest to you.
Bout to have the best sleep of my life
I don’t mind saying: this last year has been tough on me and the other cult members. Doing goat sacrifices on zoom just wasn’t the same.
My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags!
What an idiot! Who threatens someone with a vacation???
I’m stranded on a dessert island. Do not send help.
“I’m hungry” Fridge: “I got nothin.” Cabinet: “Bitch, don’t look at me.” Freezer: “LOL. You like ice?”
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you’ll save from not having a social life.
I thought we agreed on rhyming wedding vows Brenda I looked like an amateur out there
*logs onto Facebook*
*sees 347 ultrasound pictures*
*logs off forever*
Five-word horror story:
“I’m going that way too”
me: “why tf does my back hurt??”
also me:
Did you know that if everyone in the U.S. donated just one pint of blood, we could pour it over the Statue of Liberty and be hella cool?
I am not the kind of girl you can take home to your wife.
*overheard from the other room
8yo: Can I have an ice cream sandwich?
Grandma: Did you finish your dinner?
8yo: No
Grandma: Just one then
People need to quit hating on women that breastfeed in public. I’m allowed to raise my cat however I want.
A friend of my wife’s who lives in maine put their child in this preschool where the kids help make lunch and then before their naps they get their feet soaked in warm water and wtf do I have to do to get into this preschool?
ME: I’d like to order…the updog.
WAITER: How would u like that prepared?
ME: um medium well?
W: very good
Me: oh god what have I just done
Kids just said, “we made a piñata for the cat’s birthday!” and I’m here like we have a cat and it has a birthday?
if you didn’t want me to hide in your closet you shouldn’t have said you had the hiccups
The first rule of Tall Girl Club is we must introduce ourselves by telling eachother where we were able to find pants
I enjoy a good breeze. It’s worth the risk that a bug may be blown into your eye.
I have been lowering the tone for so long now that I am effectively operating solely in infrasound frequencies which can only be heard by whales.
And they are appalled.