[at wedding]
Pastor: If anyone opposes, speak now or forever hold your peace
Me (raises hand)
Pastor: It’s your wedding
Me (lowers hand)
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At school, Scooby-Doo excelled at the three Rs – biology, Spanish and geography.
6: Daddy, when did the first Thanksgiving happen?
Me: Great question! The first Thanksgiving dinner was 400 years ago–
6: –Oh, were you there?!
Me:
To everyone who wrote “stay cool” in my middle school year book…I have some devastating news
#inspiration #foodforthought
My 9yo took the time to make this sign rather than just throwing the bag away herself, I’m gonna need a minute
It’s ok computer, I go to sleep after 20 minutes of inactivity too.
Maybe sunscreen is like ketchup to sharks
*bolts upright in bed, instantly wide awake in the middle of the night*
“FIRE TRUCKS SHOULD BE CALLED WATER TRUCKS”
My 3yo told me he was going to clean up the mess by punching it and I was like, “Dude, I’ve tried and it doesn’t work.”
Dad: HEY come here, did you go to school with this guy on tv?
Me: Dad, that’s Spongebob Squarepants
Dad: Must’ve been in your sister’s class
So many pants.
So little yoga.
As always, Wile E. Coyote’s plan had unexpected consequences.
Them: Can you imagine jogging—
Me: No
Them: —in this heat
Me:
GF and I went to see Dark Knight Rises our 9th date. Dates can be summarised dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner Batman.
I went to AutoZone and asked for window shield wipers. Window shield. I can never go back.
My neighbor upstairs bought a new treadmill and I accidentally just shot five holes in my ceiling.
At the beginning of a long plane ride, I like to ask my husband why he loves me. His frantic look for an escape hatch entertains me.
I just returned from a long trip and tossed my suitcase on the floor of my room, so I won’t see those clothes again for several months.
If you message me back on a dating app, I assume you are just being polite. If we go out for coffee together, again, I assume you are just being polite. If we end up dating, you’re probably just a very polite person. If we get married, it was probably just the polite thing to do.
[new job]
BOSS: how bout u introduce yourself
ME: I’m Howie
BOSS: Howie?
ME: Dewitt
BOSS: everyone this is Howie Dewitt
ME: *starts dancing*
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need a nap,
and a cheeseburger too.
I’m trying to be more fit these days, so now I walk inside the store to buy my donuts instead of using the drive-thru.
My bachelor party always end with a wedding.
I want to make some business cards with this image so when people are like “what’s your type” I can just hand them one and say idk these are all men I’m attracted to, y’all figure it out
Me: yes, I’ll take the free burger
Cashier: sir, you have to buy one to get one
Me: I only want one though, the free one
It’s been a horrible morning so far. My ex got run over by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver 🙁
In today’s installment of “getting absolutely wrecked by my child” I present her commentary on dinner:
“You did the best you could.”
flash mobs for serving divorce papers
If someone offers you nuts by asking “Cashews?” and you don’t answer “God bless you” they will take away your dad card.
Fighting on twitter be like 🤣