@squirrel74wkgn

[at wedding]

Pastor: If anyone opposes, speak now or forever hold your peace

Me (raises hand)

Pastor: It’s your wedding

Me (lowers hand)

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@aimlessamers

English, if I ran it:
A group of geese is called a “group”
A group of buffalo is called a “group”
A group of catfish is called a “group”

@sarcasticmommy4

Kids: Yay! Summer break!

Me: Look at this Back to School Countdown Calendar I’ve created. EVERYBODY GETS ONE!

@evacide

It has come to my attention that at this time last year I may have dared 2018 to “come at me,” and it did.

Dear 2019: I don’t want to cause any trouble. Please put down that broken bottle so we can get along.

@blade_funner

Don’t go chasing waterfalls. Pretend to be disinterested. Wait several days to call the waterfalls back.

@david8hughes

[end of 1st round of my UFC debut]
Corner man: how you feeling?
Me [out of breath]: horny
Corner man: yeah you gotta stop trying to kiss him

@zachreinert0

One of my buddies lost his right arm in a car accident which is a huge bummer, so much money wasted on tattoos

@mrjohndarby

Interviewer: What skills do you have?

Me: Mind control

Interviewer: EXCELLENT YOUVE GOT THE JOB

@ch000ch

[drops a pinch of fish food into fish tank]
ME: here ya go little buddies
FISH: oh wow pukey shit flakes again, thanks man

@ThisOneSayz

Me: they’re coming!

911: can you hide?

Me: they’ll find me!!

911: stay calm

Me: the door is opening…help!

“Mooom! We want a snack!!”