[At Wedding]
Priest: And do you take me as your lawfully wedded wife?
Me: I do. WAIT A SECOND
Priest: TOO LATE. YOU’RE MINE NOW, IDIOT.
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Big thanks to everyone who bought us wedding china. I think about you every time we move.
“My name is Robert and I support apples.”
— Bob for apples
Just Once i’d like the Circus to Run Away with Me
Like Grandma used to say, if it seems too good to be true buy as much of that shit as you can.
Grandma drank a lot. We miss her.
[kissing girl at library] you wanna go somewhere a bit louder?
I love going to the gym this time of year because I’m a perfect example of what years of neglect and nachos can do to a body.
I bought a second scale to weigh my first scale so I can show it how it feels.
Last year my ex and I dressed as opposing political parties for Halloween… best hate sex we ever had.
Me: c’mon get back in the car
Serial killer vehemently shakes his head no
Internet dating? No thanks. I like the internet, but I don’t like like the internet.
My girlfriend went to the dentist for a cavity. It’s odd since she spends so much time in the bathroom with her electric toothbrush.
Seeing men with their noses sticking out over their masks makes me hope I never see how they wear swim trunks.
I make so many mistakes typing that my autocorrect is like, “Duck this shirt.”
I don’t want the baby mountain goat to die but I don’t want the snow leopard to starve. Why do we even watch these nature shows?
My aunt unfriended me on Facebook so I can guarantee you that I will bring it up and ruin Thanksgiving this year.
“I was exposed to COVID and have to quarantine” is now my go to excuse to get out of literally everything.
When people say I don’t mean to brag they’re bragging about not bragging.
Welcome to adulthood: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
Growing up in the Midwest means I am not embarrassed to eat a pound of fried macaroni in a setting, but I am embarrassed to admit ever having sex to my family at the age of 36.
*Goes to the store*
*Buys donughts, doughnut holes, and glue*
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
If the covid vaccine is implanting trackers in us then that just means when I get lost in an ikea then they can send in a rescue team
I’m about to get my 5yo her own phone just so she’ll stop screwing up my YouTube algorithm
SHOUTS OUT TO UTERUSES, THE ORIGINAL 3-D PRINTERS
If you hold a croissant to your ear like a phone it connects you to the president of France.
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
I’m not saying I spend a lot of time in the restroom, I’m just saying if you walk into my stall you can be charged with home invasion…
Grandma: can you call out the bingo numbers?
Me: idk i’ve never done it B4
Gma: holy shit you’re a natural
Imagine you’re about to have surgery and right before the anesthesia kicks in you notice a “University of Phoenix” degree on the wall