At what age do humans become manipulative pieces of shit? Is it three? Feels like it’s three.
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Hairstylist: so one of your sisters knows how to knit, crochet, and sew and the other one is an amazing cook/baker. What do you know how to do?
Me: Buy stuff
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that the dominant male in a pride of lions was called ‘The Mane Man’.
ao3 writers are a whole other bread. i feel so bad for laughing but this is dedication
ME: sit
DOG: [sits]
ME: good boy. roll over
DOG: [rolls over]
ME: good. now speak
DOG: [clears his throat] time is the fire in which we all burn
ME: bad dog. very bad
Took the kids to the park so wifey could get a break.
5, loudly, as soon as he steps inside: Hmmmm, it’s still a mess in here!
Me: *locking him inside and walking away* You’re on your own now buddy!
cooks vegan zuchinni alfredo for dinner (evolved). follows it up with fistfuls of shaved parm straight out of the tub (caveman brain)
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
Sex with me is like a ferris wheel: slower than you hoped, full of clunky stops and a carny watches to make sure you don’t get off.
So true for me
Me: why are you not drinking your milk?
3: it’s too cow-ey
[1692 Salem]
“BURN THE WITCH”U HAVE A CROOKED NOSE, WITCH
“No, Frank, at the stake”
[quickly lighting torch]
Right, I knew that.
In a room full of idiots screaming their opinions at the top of their lungs, be the guy in the corner doing finger guns with his reflection.
HOT SINGLE MUMS IN YOUR AREA ARE LOOKING FOR YOU!
Oh god I hope it’s not another bake sale
It’s called “personal grooming” as though we might get confused and groom a total stranger.
I’m 34 years old and I still don’t know what to do when the barber shows me the back of my head with that little mirror.
36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36? Haha. Only if she’s a giant caterpillar.
I was mowing the lawn, hit a small rock and it went flying and hit something to the side of me, I looked over and the neighbor’s car had a small dent, I was going to go tell him but then I thought no I better not, he may think I did it.
[getting out of prison after 10 years]
GUARD: *handing me a paper bag* here are ur things
ME: did none of u monsters feed my tamagotchi
I’m at my most potato when I’m twice-baked
We can probably reopen restaurants right now if we all use feed bags
My child who doesn’t like pickles: *sees me eating a pickle* can I have a pickle?
Ran down the stairs without a bra on and my husband thought I was clapping. I was not. I was not clapping.
*explosion walks away from me in slow motion
Remember folks 😂
One alternative to having kids is to hire two people to sit in your car and start a loud argument every time your favorite song comes on.
LIFE LESSON: Never do anything which you don’t want to explain to the Paramedics.
My husband just said, “I have a game I think you’d be interested in that I bet you haven’t heard of…
It’s called Wordle”
We can agree that making someone swear in for a job is stupid right? Like, “okay, you’re hired! But first you gotta pinky promise in front of EVERYONE that you’re not gonna suck at this”
Invasion? No, the Aliens are here for an Intervention.
Most people think that being in your 50s is now classed as the new 30s.
Take my word for It, the police speed cameras think differently