At what age do you have THE talk with your daughter about how she is not the princess of anything and she’ll need to get a job.
Is it 6?
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I feel sorry for all those girls bragging that they don’t have a gag reflex. They’ll probably die choking on an Olive Garden bread stick.
If my kids ask, the police will arrest me if I let them stay up late.
[ asteroid approaching earth ]
me: *slapping baseball mitt*
Them: Hey girl what’s your sign
Me: McDonalds Open 24 hours
Me: * tastes dog treats*
Stalker: frickin weirdo
confronts reality
pokes it in the eye
As a dad to two toddlers the majority of my diet is various berries I find on the ground. I’m basically a deer.
My kitchen drawer was stuck but my husband got it open. I guess all it needed was a big jerk.
[awkwardly waving to another killer as we dump bodies in the same forest]
ME: You win some, you lose some
WIFE: Where are the kids
{God Creating Humans}
Shave that monkey and make it complain about everything.
Bound by notifications, we are the Fellowship of the Ding.
My cat managed to open a kitchen cabinet and sliced open a bag of flour. I walked into what looked like a feline version of the movie Blow.
Normalize hissing at people who stand too close to you in the checkout line.
I have my own hand stamper at home so my coworkers will think I went someplace fun the night before.
I just got really sad thinking about Voldemort trying to enjoy a nice day at the beach but his sunglasses won’t stay on his face
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
The cool side of the pillow just offered me drugs.
My wife is scrolling through Netflix to see what shows I watched between now and when she asked me to vacuum. Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit.
Occasionally I set cases of beer out for the garbage men. Never know when you might need them to take out “suspicious” trash w/out questions
i just overheard this conversation from my family and i honestly give up jesus christ
sister: the bus driver earlier had sunglasses on + it’s been raining all day
dad:
sister: i wonder why. maybe he was blind?
dad: oh yeah, maybe
[they watch tv in silence]
me: ?????
I keep telling my dog that it’s just wind there’s nothing to worry about. He’s not getting it. He just looks at me like bro, if you don’t let me go outside rn and bark at that wind, it’s gonna kill us!
Stop screaming. Lots of people rub their eyes with toes.
Cricket Audience: *goes wild*
Cricket Comedian: Wow tough crowd
[me giving my friend who owes me $12 a tarot reading] oh wow. okay. the tower. in the tarot this is traditionally the symbol for you owing me $12
therapist: so what’s the problem?
me: i have crippling self-doubt
therapist: are you sure?
me: …
therapist: …
me: no
The locals are gushing over my poor axe handling skills
Any woman with three or more exes in her city could have told Obama how to avoid Putin in Normandy.
Home improvement
but it’s just me replacing the metal tubes in the neighbor’s wind chimes with tampons.
My greatest hope is for my eulogy to start with “Her reign of terror is finally over.”