At what age do you tell your child Alexa isn’t real?
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Guy 1: I do a poor impression of Sean Connery.
Guy 2: Shame.
My wife and I don’t often spend money on luxuries, but when we do, I’m glad it’s for something we can both enjoy like decorative pillows.
Break up by making swimming motion arms every time they want to hold hands.
Aw yeah! Who has two thumbs and is having sex today? That’s right. Somebody else.
[Darth Vader sitting down]
DV: *takes sip of smoothie before spitting it out* What’s this?!? I said strawberry-banana!
Aid: We thought you might want to try kale again for your health my Lord
DV: You thought?
*begins force choking*
You have kale’d me for the last time
What do ppl who say “please excuse the mess” when their house is like a museum, want from us?
Showed my 5yo some videos of mimes and explained mimes never speak and now we’re playing mimes don’t ruin this for us.
(texting gf) In uber. Be home soon. Cant wait to see you (accidentally pressing dictation button) Ohhhh i want a hamburger so bad. Hot dog too. Ohh man I want a mcchicken. me too. Woww I want a burger. Yeah I want a cheeseburger too. Ohhh wow me too. I want a hot dog.With the bun
My Christmas letter this year includes a bonus DVD of my colonoscopy.
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
My child is sniffing a bruise on his arm to figure out how badly it hurts.
Me: do you love natural peanut butter, but hate stirring it?
Construction Boss: I’m not questioning the concept, it’s just not your cement mixer
Following Prince Phillip’s passing, Prince Charles inherits the title Duke Of Edinburgh. Basically, it all shifts up one. For instance, I’m now my next door neighbour, Pauline Cathcart.
Marriage is 33.7% hiding to eat snacks because you and your spouse are supposed to be on a diet.
Paul Walker *dies driving*
Adam Driver *on sidewalk* oh no
doctor: I’m afraid your husband has died
my aunt: oh no wait have you tried giving him *scrolling facebook* apple cider vinegar
“PARKOUR!” – me, after tripping over nothing on the sidewalk
When you die your voice gets added to the Big Bang Theory laugh track.
When I see snails in my path, I like to gently pick them up out of if harms way, and ‘whizz’ them magically a few metres, and plop them where they were headed. Keeps them safe, but I also like to think they later share their teleportation tales with other snails.
Paper jam is the least delicious of all preserves.
Me: Raising a family is hard.
Necromancer: Not if they’re buried close together.
Me: What?
Necromancer: What?
Friend: I can’t believe we ever used landlines. Could you imagine your phone always being connected to the wall?
Me, phone always at 4% battery: haha no way
My ex-boyfriend once stood over my shoulder while I peeled an onion and told me how his mom could do it faster
*6 missed calls*
*5 missed facetime*
*8 unread messages*
The only thing that can stop a bad guy with a hot glue gun is a good guy with a hot glue gun.
wife: where are the beans?
me: i made phones with the cans.
wife: can i talk to you in the kitchen?
small voice echoing from the kitchen: you can now.
if we all just stop paying bills at the same time what they gon do
Rubbing coffee grounds on your body makes your skin glow but it also gets you kicked out of Starbucks.
[at the bank]
Him: Here is some literature on how to invest in your child’s future
*watching my son getting ready to put my car key into an electrical socket*
No thanks.
Kid: Mom! We’re out of snacks!
Me: Sucks for you…
Kid: What?
Me: Ok I’ll get more when I run to the store sweetie!