At what age do you tell your kids that the UN isn’t real
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A large account followed me to thank me for a trophy through DM, then immediately unfollowed me. It must be exhausting to be Twitter elite.
One day my daughter will walk into the kitchen when I’m sneak-eating cookies and there will be a reckoning
HR Manager: “Tis the Season” or not you can’t be drinking rum and eggnog at work
I can usually tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs.
Still far too much of my kitchen cupboard space is taken up by ingredients that I needed 5g of for a recipe that I made once 9 years ago, which tasted awful.
It took me 20 minutes and a terribly bruised wrist to realize that this slap bracelet is actually a ruler.
[typing autopsy report after lunch] weird, seems the killer spilled some coffee and part of a sandwich inside the victim
Me: Can I have $5?
Mom: What happened to the $5 I gave you in 1998?
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
My car was vandalized by a peacock. I wish I was making this up.
They should remake The Ring; instead of a tape, the creepy little girl uploads her video to YouTube and wipes out pretty much everybody.
The people who got clotheslined by a landline phone cord
Asa Mitaka
@Kursed___
Who is your target audience when you tweet?
Hell is just you and your dog as he takes revenge for all the times you shouted “Squirrel!” when there was no squirrel.
Coworker: You smell good. What is that? Armani?
Me: Thanks! It’s Febreze. I just took a dump.
Me: must sleep in the correct position on a mattress with the exact right hardness or suffer for 48 hours
cats:
Wait for it. (You won’t regret it).
Note from 5yo:
“I need help with my meth.”
I think she means math. Either way, asking for help is the first step, so good for her.
My therapist told me he doesn’t eat bacon or drink coffee, I told him he’s the one that needs a psychologist.
Wrap toilet paper around you like a wedding dress and slowly get naked as you tear pieces off to blow your nose all day.
Cancelling plans is okay. Having your friend over even though he insulted you is okay. Taking him to your wine cellar to show him your rare Amontadillo is okay. Sealing him in with bricks and entombing him alive is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
And then there were 4
texting my crush “hey infant” instead of baby so they know i’m smart and regularly use my thesaurus
I’ve been saying I’ll sleep when I’m dead for so long, I’m starting to really look forward to dying.
After a long day of tweeting I like to relax with a hot cup of wtf am I doing with my life?
i’m kinda confused by all the hbo max tweets. i thought we agreed to be poor together
DOG BOSS: Any messages for me?
DOG ASSISTANT: just one from Mr. Agoodboy
DOG BOSS: who’s Agoodboy?
DOG ASSISTANT: *tail starts wagging*
Avocados were 5 for $2 so anyway that’s how I ended up paying $2 to eat one avocado
Fun prank: a chameleon exhibit with no chameleon.
Backstreet Boys: Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely.
Me: *slow dances with cats around a pot of mac & cheese*