At what point do they stop replacing the wobbly wheels and just send the shopping cart off to live on the farm?
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Facebook conspiracy theorists are already warning that the monkeypox vaccine contains a microchimp.
How many dates should you wait before revealing that you’re not proficient in Excel?
Me: who wants to help me name my new cat?
Friend: count me out
Me: wow, strong opener! *pronouncing as I write* Count… Meow
just found a error in Titanic: they play a song by Celine Dion, but the film is set in 1912 and she actually wasn’t even born until 1968
when someone compliments me
Photoshop is turning 25 years old this week. Actually, it’s 35 but just looks 25.
Her: I like how you did your hair today. Me: OMG thank you, I passed out in my closet last night.
i’ve eaten so many carbs during quarantine, my blood sugar is now regulated by pancakereas
The guy sitting nearest to me on the plane is a wizard. He pulled birthday cake out of his backpack!!! A stingy wizard because he didn’t share, but still…
Me: “Are you even listening to me?”
My son:
I don’t push people away, I just do the Macarena
The secret to a happy marriage is having the same definition of clean.
KID: I don’t need a coat
ME: baby, it’s cold outside
KID: I don’t think it’s cold
ME: it really is cold outside
KID: I will not be cold
ME: I promise it’s cold outside
[twenty more minutes of arguing]
ME: fine let’s just go
KID: daddy it’s cold outside
JESUS: [walks on water]
JUDAS: Actually, the body is 60% water so it’s only 40% miracle
JESUS: You’re killing me, Judas
JUDAS: Actually..
Guess who’s got 7 thumbs and a a set of keys to a cadaver lab?
“But I don’t want to, Dad!”
“Tough”
“The people are horrible”
“You’re still going”[next day on Earth]
JESUS *grumpily* so I’m back
Robert Downey Jr. will always be my hero, not because of Iron Man, but because he broke into someone’s home just to take a nap.
Hey people who don’t understand sarcasm, what’s it like being so awesome?
my Playstation got stolen… i have no one to console me.
Today is the day I write something beautifully profound
No. That was it. I’m going back to bed
WIFE: why is the dog wearing a tux?
ME: u said to groom him
WIFE: i meant brush
ME: oh…sorry buddy, wedding’s off
DOG: this is bullshit
mom, dad i’d like you to meet someone, this is hornyboy12 he slid into my DMs to tell me he’s in love with me based on the highly curated version of myself i present online we’re gonna get married
Swedish for common sense.
Here is a little money saving tip that I’ve learned: If you spend all of your money on tattoos, then technically, your money will be with you forever.
After speaking with the psychiatrist, I’ve learned that “hungry” is in fact NOT an emotion. So I’m in the market for a new psychiatrist.
Goth karate is easy because you already start off with a black belt.
If you’re being attacked don’t yell ”HELP” yell ”FREE CUPCAKES”
If by cleaning the house you mean did I light a scented candle then yes I cleaned the house
Bought coffee flavoured ice cream hoping the kids would hate it and I could have it all but NOPE! Joke’s on me!
Curse you,
gloriously divine Häagen-Dazs in literally any flavour.