At what point do we just ask Britney’s dad to do a conservatorship for Kanye?
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In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
wife: where’s the baby
me: in the cradle
wife: but where’s the cradle
me: on the treetop
[a gust of wind is followed by a crash]
me: I just thought of a song
Listen buddy, I don’t know why I’m doing karate in your bedroom either, sometimes things happen
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
I see all my neighbors out there mowing their lawns and I wonder if they’d come do mine also.
Don’t worry, millennials, every time you spell it “tho,” I say “ugh,” so it ends up being spelled right.
[moth meeting]
Moth: I was thinking, since we all love the light so much why don’t we come out during the day?
Head moth: no, we fly into lamps until we die
It’s not fair how many boring things my nephew gets out of going to simply by shitting his pants.
We now return to ‘CANADIAN SNIPER’
*canadian sniper shoots an enemy*
*canadian sniper yells ‘sorry’ from far away*
Throwing pregnancy tests into the shopping carts of random couples at Walmart is the only silver lining in my day.
Witnessing a person attempt to use a word that is beyond their comprehension is like watching a dog eat a bee.
“wow this rap song is good I wonder who this is”
*waits literally 4 seconds*
“oh there look at that he said his name how convenient”
DR: your IQ test results are abysmal
ME: is… is that good?
The first matador
My mother’s maiden name is Password.
I wanted to go see the Queen reunion concert but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
Becoming a man doesn’t happen the first time you fight or make love. It happens the first time you see the gas bill and remind everyone that we aren’t trying to heat the outside.
My elbow watching me do a full skin care routine on my face.
One day you’re partying til 2am and waltzing into work the next morning
Then all of the sudden you “need a vacation from your vacation”
“What should we call ourselves?”
How about 22 pilots?
“Idk. Seems like an awful lot of pilots”
21 pilots?
“Omg”
getting a cast iron skillet so i can still not do my dishes, but now people will think i’m classy
Today I threw away an empty Amazon box that’s been sitting on the floor for two weeks, so that means tomorrow I’ll have a need for that box.
Can y’all please stop posting obi-wan spoilers? I’m not going to watch it I just don’t want to hear about it anymore.
when the doctor brings med students into your exam
yeah sex is cool but have you ever seen the jerk who went speeding past you pulled over by a cop like one mile down the road
I’LL SAY WHEN I’VE HAD ENOUGH! KEEP ‘EM COMING, BARTENDER!!
*handing me another espresso*
The term is barista, ma’am.
The first sin in the Bible was eating an apple. The second was murder. That escalated quickly.
Might be time to get in shape. Halfway up these stairs and I’m considering setting up base camp and trying again in the morning.
‘I never thought leopards would eat MY face,’ sobs woman who voted for the Leopards Eating People’s Faces Party.
If you watch the Social Network backwards, it’s about a man gaining more friends and a girlfriend as he spends less time on Facebook.