[at White Castle]
clerk: can I get your name
me: Carly
clerk: Carla?
me: Carly
clerk: Carleen?
me: no, Carly, like Carly Rae Jepsen[5 minutes later]
clerk: Ray Jepsen, order’s up!
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“When I’m dead, I’d like you to buy a $9,000 box and throw it down a hole.”
-Humans
[wife walks in on me showering]
“Why are you wearing swim trunks?”
No reason.
[she glares at me]
SO MY TEMPORARY TATTOOS DON’T COME OFF OKAY
Toddler: I have a cute fat belly, you have a fat belly
Me:
Took me 5 minutes to pick up the soap I dropped in the shower so I hope I never commit a felony.
“I can’t believe I own a Tesla!” I’m so sorry, is there anything I can do to help?
Ever tried to pinch a dried yogurt smear off your black leggings and watched in horror as a cloud of dust floated off of them?
Me either. That’d be gross.
Me: can I ask a rhetorical question?
Her: sure
Me: well apparently not
But if I go out, who is going to stick their finger in the cat’s mouth and ruin his yawns?
Parenting log, day 560:
The child has bonded with a slice of American cheese. She’s been hugging it and kissing it for over an hour and it is now half melted. Everything in the house is now covered with cheese. She will not play with anything other than the cheese.
7 years and 170,000 tweets later, all I can say is I’m glad this isn’t a gambling addiction.
Co-worker: Do you know why there is water on the floor?
Me: Yes, but I don’t have time right now to explain fluid dynamics and stagnation points.
What idiot called it “being a werewolf” and not “having a beast infection?”
How do stick men play fetch with their dog?
all i’m saying is if you genuinely think the up-scaled gorilla would ever beat the NUCLEAR-POWERED GIANT LIZARD MONSTER in a fight then i fundamentally don’t understand you as a person
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo asks for a hug, I just wish she didn’t always wait until she’s mid-poop to ask.
My husband just sent me a text inviting me to go ahead and have the left over tacos that I ate three hours ago.
Another day of explaining to mom that New York is big and the footage she saw wasn’t shot on my street.
Just hiked to a waterfall in the middle of Maine and halfway through as I was starting to feel super proud about doing this somewhat difficult hike by myself a 70 year old woman passed me going the other way wearing flip flops and holding a bud light.
On the Hot Wheels isle helping a friend pick out a sweet Corvette that she promised her 18yo for graduation. Life’s all about the wording.
I’m sorry I said take me to church because I needed a ride to the liquor store nearby.
Watched The Little Mermaid with my girl last night & realized that Aerial could be on an episode of Hoarders. : /
Never once has a guy said, “She’s cute but I wish her eyelashes would be so big they’d weigh down her eyelids”
The first rule of hydration club is where is your restroom?
God created the orgasm so women can moan even when they’re happy.
Justin Bieber breaks up with Selena Gomez… the same week Black Ops 2 comes out? Good call Justin.
“You can’t get married,” the priest furiously shut the door while I stood outside embracing my fiancé, a beautiful corndog with a ring on it
This pandemic has prompted a lot of questions like, “Who is at the most risk” and “Is it airborne” and “Has my wife always chewed that loudly?”
With plastic being banned, Starbucks is running out of things to put drinks in. A year from now they’re gonna scream my name and I’ll have to drink my caramel iced latte straight from the barista’s cupped hands while another employee strokes my head like a scared horse
In 2016 I stayed at a hotel that offered “all-day room service starting at 5 p.m.”
*notices battery is at 4%*
*goes into airplane mode*
*turns down brightness*
*exits all apps*
*prays to jesus and compliments his sandals*