[at wife’s funeral]
Son: At least shes in heaven now
Me: [delicately places hand on his shoulder] You don’t know shit about your mom
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Started to watch Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny and I saw the warning that it contains tobacco depictions so I threw my TV in the street. Not in this household.
Before I go out binge drinking I always eat a stick of butter. It doesn’t do anything I just make really poor life choices.
Tried to save some money by getting Halloween candy at Aldi. I hope kids like Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
I officially know too much trivia. My wife just told me cream of mushroom soup was introduced in 1934, and now I can’t remember her birthday
BRB- gotta make a man fall in love with me so I can ask him, “would you still love me if I was a lamp?”
Dentist: You don’t have to floss all your teeth. Only the ones you wanna keep!
*I start flossing his teeth*
D: Um…
Me: These are mine now
Me: I have a lot of work to do.
Windows Updates: you’re gonna have to wait
Today, we celebrate German copywriters refusing to hire English speakers
Most embarrassing thing a human being can experience is publicly unrequited love. Second is having the noisy grocery cart.
Dad’s in for a hip replacement tomorrow. I’ve told mum to chat up the old dudes in the coffee room whose wives are in for similar just incase and she didn’t see the funny side and now I’m out of the will.
When an American says he has a side piece, I’m not sure if it’s a woman or a weapon.
I asked the bookstore employee where the self help section was. She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
I’m not asking questions for that friend anymore. Too embarrassing.
get yer dragons here! get yer dragons… I have menthol and non-menthol, get yer dragons!!
Every time someone in a movie is being stalked, it’s like they can’t even hear the suspenseful music.
Good morning to everyone, especially those who say “oh ffs, what now?” Every time their news notification on their phone goes off
Optometrist: better or worse
Me: oh worse, everything’s definitely worse
I hate it when I forget to cut the tags off my sandwich and everyone’s like “New sandwich?”
A guy in line next to me just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
Me to waiter: “I’m eating for 2.”
Waiter: “Oh, you’re pregnant?”
Me: “No, my sister was supposed to meet me here, but she can’t make it.”
I was watching you while you slept. You look pretty stupid.
My husband wants me to seek help with my substance abuse problem. I even caught him throwing away my latest Bath & Body Works coupons.
Panda express…🐶🐾🐼💨😅
My husband thinks I’ve been on my phone checking the weather for the last 3500 hours
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
Peter Pan seems like a fun read until it’s an hour past bedtime and you’re trying to convince your kid that she always has to tell you before she leaves the house, even if it’s through the window in the middle of the night with a magical flying man
Keep your longtime co-workers guessing and questioning their self-worth by forgetting their names.
No one:
Absolutely no one:
My 5yo: I wanna know how people break out of jail.
Ben Affleck works at Dunkin’ Donuts in their new #SuperBowl ad.
Last week I ran out of toilet paper and only had a dollar so I bought a pack of gum at CVS.
I haven’t run out of receipt yet.